Thoughts and Prayers.....

I think I've shared before how the weight of the world sometimes weighs on me in ways that are hard to explain. I have very well meaning people who love me and remind me that this isn't healthy, that remind me to let things go and that might even get frustrated when I fall into my 'eeyore' zone...but honestly? It isn't something that I have control over. I'm sure at times it might a part of my battle against my diagnosis...but more often it's just that the world can be ugly and overwhelming. If I'm honest, lately, for months actually, I've been clinging to love and to hope. Because there is so much hate.

I know there's good.
I regularly get to be a part of it through my job
and BLOOM
Through my church and my friends.

But sometimes.
Sometimes when I focus only on what's good....
I fear I will become one of those
'Thoughts and Prayers ostriches
Hiding behind jolly quips
and sunny memes.

Who can read about kids in cages
And tsk that their parents sought refuge
Who can hear about mass shootings
And be sad the shooter was bullied
Rather than horrified he was in possession
of such a weapon.

Who see another unarmed man being shot
And think 'why didn't he listen TO A TEE'
Yet not speak out against white folks
Who think it's ok to yell at the cops
And even more
Are unable to see the connection, white privilege
At the least white fragility....

Who focus just on their own and what they have
And judge those that don't
Who think it is just about desire
And if you wanted to have then you would
Who forget the support they have
to help them get through.

Who make their kids live lies
Because they can't accept them as they are
Hiding and pretending
to be something they are not

I could tell myself
All is well
And truly believe it
If I put my head in the sand
Then I wouldn't have to worry
Because 'all things work together for good'
And the 'sun will come out tomorrow'
Here, take these 'thoughts and prayers'
But

Life is hard.
And good doesn't just happen.
You can't smile and pretend
Unless you are choosing to
Live in a bubble
Ignore other's struggles
Please don't

Because there is a world of folks
Who need you to see
Need you to fight
Need you to stand up
To call others out
Even if you might have to shout
To stop sending your
Thoughts and prayers
But get up, go out
And feed someone
Clothe someone
House someone
Protect someone
Hug someone (if they want)
Love someone.

Sometimes I'm tired.
Sometimes I'm weary.
And the days are long.
But even if tomorrow is dark
And a situation just doesn't have good.
I'm still going to cling to love and hope.
I'm still going to get up.
Stand up.
And I'm banking on my tribe
To be right there
So I'm not standing alone.

Mommy Thoughts

So this Mother's Day I'm alone. I mean I've been with people and will be with my mom, sister and mother in law tomorrow...but I am without my hubby and kids. I say this not looking for any sympathy because this isn’t anything when I know there are so many who would love to have children, who have lost children, whose mother's aren't around or who don't have good relationships with their mothers. Even knowing that, if I'm honest, I was kind of worried that I'd be really sad and well, while it is kind of weird, it's also allowed me to be really reflective the last 24 hours. Of my own mommyhood, those that have mothered me and my mommy friends.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom and hoped that I would be. And it's a role that has transcended beyond the 4 children I gave birth to. I not only have a wonderful mom that I can look up, I also have had other mother figures throughout my life that I've been able to learn from. And finally, I've come to have some dear mom friends who are in the trenches with me. 

When I think about all of my extended kids, I can't help but smile. I have loved being Mrs. Coach, Mama Pitch, Mama Melinda, Work Mom, Miss Mindy and all the other 'mom' nicknames I've been given over the years.  There is something unexplainable about giving that mother love to another person...lifting them up, helping them see their potential, encouraging their dreams, holding them accountable, putting them in check when needed, and of course giving them "the look". That young people who do not HAVE to look up to you, respect you or love you--do?  That's humbling really.
We can all seek to be that in someone's life.

My mom has been such an amazing role model for me. She has always worked very hard, put our family first and encouraged us to follow our dreams. She is a realist and honest and a planner. She organizes and coordinates. She takes charge and handles difficult situations. She has expectations and challenges you to reach them. She is funny and silly and likes to laugh. She is a caregiver. And she loves my dad. Through thick and thin, for better or worse and now, as retirees, they are now getting to enjoy their happily ever after.

The other mothers that I've had?  They're family members, coworkers, mentors...women who have taken time to love me, teach me, correct me. They've shared stories and insight and allowed me to ask questions. They've comforted me when I've messed up or are anxious and worried.  They've inspired me to be better and to look forward to the next stage of being a woman. They've shown me how to stand up for what I believe in and how to be fully free to be myself.

My mommy friends? Honestly, in the early stages of my kid's lives I didn't have a lot of mommy friends. My world was full and my time was limited. There were a lot of acquaintances. Moms that I spent a lot of time with because our kids were friends or in activities together, but it wasn't until they started getting a little older that I was able to make some true friends. Other moms who I could be honest with and share all of the deep, dark hidden places of struggle....as well as share triumph and laughter when joyous moments happened. As we've now crossed into parenting adults....we have new experiences to share and learn from and it makes it that much easier knowing that I have other people to travel through it with.

And finally. My own four gems. Jordyn, Isaiah, Elijah and Israel.



Ok. they really look like this now.







They are dynamic human beings. And I am so lucky to be their mom.

When I started out as a mom I was young and nervous. I worried about things I didn't need to worry about and tried to follow all of the guidelines and rules to make me a 'good' parent. Soon I learned to throw those ideas and steps out the window. I have done a lot right and a lot wrong but no matter what I've put every bit of myself into loving them, encouraging them and guiding them. From those tender mommy moments when they were little and idolized me to the proud moments of seeing them accomplish their goals as they've all become adults...it has been sweet and hard and special and unforgettable and fulfilling all rolled into one. They have taught me so much and I am who I am because of who they are. Kind and honest and funny and strong and devoted and loyal and hard working and perfectly flawed. I could not love them more fiercely if I tried.

Reach out to the people around you...you might be able to be their mother or their daughter and fill a void for yourself and them.

As always, thanks for reading what I got today.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

My Sailboat Ride

So I'm watching Super Soul Sunday and Oprah is interviewing Barbara Brown Taylor (who I have never heard of but is sharing much I resonate with) and she makes a statement that many of us think of life like a train ride. We get onboard with a destination in mind and then we take the track to where we are going. And we take time choosing the right train to get on to get to the exact place we are going. And we tend not to deviate. But she's come to believe that life should be more like a ride on a sailboat. It changes daily-sometimes even moment to moment. You have to adjust and tend to the sail, the wind might take you off course for a bit, you might have to change your direction or even choose to change directions based on the elements....

I love this metaphor.  And not just because Oprah said she loved it too.

But when I look back over my life thus far, and at 47 I'm beginning to feel like I have some life to look back on....I see how this sailboat metaphor is so fitting, even though I believe I started out on a train.

On the train...at times I almost went on autopilot. I don't know that I always actively stayed engaged with the ride. I could zone out, check out so to speak. There were others around me but i didn't necessarily have to engage with them. From time to time the conductor might make comments or give instructions...but in general not a lot of input was needed. From time to time I might gaze out the window, intrigued by the beauty I was passing....even taking a moment to acknowledge it, but the motion of the train did not allow for lingering observation or appreciation. Sometimes I might not even be sure of what I just saw.  It was so easy to doze off. To allow the certainty and rhythm of the ride to lull me to sleep. I might wake up disoriented but still confident that I was on course to my destination. And everyone around me was heading to the same place.  And when I got to my stop.  Sometimes I'd realize that this was not quite where I wanted to be. And I'd have to wait for another train to come so I could get onboard.

On the sailboat?  There is a freedom that comes with the sailboat.  Because there isn't a direct course. There is also some fear that comes with the sailboat. Because the elements cause uncertainty. I am not sure when I will arrive because the wind and waves might cause me to change course. I can't zone out because I need to stay engaged in the ride. If I want or need to stop....I can change the sails so that I can linger and enjoy and breathe.  I am working with the others around me, whether on my boat or a neighboring boat...because we are sharing the waters. I might have to protect myself from the environment or even take cover for a bit....but mostly?  I can be in the wide open air--face in the wind, sky and sea around me, leading and guiding...very 'Moana' ish so to speak.

On the sailboat I've been led to leave unhealthy places and seek new horizons.
On the sailboat I've been led to revisiting past hurts and embracing new experiences.
On the sailboat I've been led to bear away when heading into trouble and follow the beacon set ahead for me.

I've discovered that on the sailboat I don't have to be headed where everyone else around me is. In fact, it's more interesting when we are not. I also do not need to know when I am 'arriving'.  This relieves pressure of who and what is 'waiting' for me at the station. On the sailboat I have moments of angst and unknown, but there is also peace and beauty and rest.

On the sailboat. I am free.  To quote Moana, 'See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me and no one knows how far it goes. If the wind in my sail on the sea stays  behind me one day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go.'

I'm never getting on the train again.

That’s what I got today.

Those 'millenials' and 'post millenials' you complain about.....

I'm back in Mankato again for my son's track meet. It's conference weekend and that always brings a different kind of energy...there's something so magical about the excitement that builds and then erupts as athletes beat their personal bests, win their heat to advance or even break long standing records in their event. I have two sons in Mankato, one who recently graduated in December and is now coaching at the school and will begin grad school in the fall and one who is still an student athlete competing in the triple jump.  A fun bonus to this weekend is that my youngest son came into town with his girlfriend for the weekend as well.  My cousin's son, who is like an extra son to us is also along and it's always a fun time when they guys are together. The only thing missing is having my daughter and her boyfriend here. I love spending time with my kids. I love that they humor me with pictures, let me hug them as tight as I need to and still tease me.

Yesterday I sat at the track from 12-6:30 watching the meet. My son has some hip issues, quite possibly from 7 years of triple jumping under his belt, so he only took one jump in the long jump and then the decision was made to rest so that he can triple jump today. Some might think I'm crazy to have sat for that long watching young people I don't know, but the reality is this is my 5th year of sitting in the stands and cheering for NSIC athletes I don't really know...watching them improve and also grow older....just as my own.  And in all actuality, as I looked around, there were young people that I do know. And many who come and sit with me for a minute to say hi, get a hug and catch up.  Some are still competing and some have graduated.

And what struck me about that is how happy it makes me that I have been an adult in their life that they want to come and greet. That they hopefully see as someone on their side and who they can count on for encouragement and honesty.  An adult who is for them.

In the midst of the past couple of days I've also had contact via social media with 2 younger people I knew as teenagers and now as adults stay in touch with from time to time. And again, I am so happy to continue to have the privilege of being invited into their life. It's heartwarming to have them reach out from time to time or share something exciting that's happening in their life. 

My husband as well, has recently been given big compliments, the kind that bring tears to your eyes, from young people who love Yoda (his nickname) and thanked him for being in their corner and for the words of wisdom that he's given them over the years.

And as I mused over the hugs and laughs and advice, I wondered how many of us, and of course at times myself, have missed the chance to stay connected, to see the young people around us.  Do we stop seeing these 19+ young adults who still might need us? Do we think they've gotten too old to need us? 

Not everyone has older adults who are there. Not everyone has older adults who have instilled wisdom and knew how to love. Not everyone has older adults who continue to guide them and help them navigate young adulthood.  These transition years can often be very lonely and difficult as they try to do things on their own but yet still need support.

I'm not talking about financially supporting, taking over, or making decisions for them. I'm not talking about judging their choices, trying to change or laughing at them.  But honestly seeking to understand. Rejoicing in their accomplishments. Offering advice when asked for. And sharing your own stories of mistakes.

And sometimes just giving a hug, a word of encouragement or a wave to acknowledge that you see them.

I've often said that my favorite two age groups are those 4-7 year olds and 18-25 year olds.  And when I think about the 18-25 year olds that I know, who I continue to root for and see trying to figure it out...it motivates me to continue to see them. And to continue to let them know that I see them.

If this age group frustrates you, or if you've fallen into believing the negative viewpoint that is often shared about them, I challenge you to take the time to actually see them. 

It will be worth it. I promise you.

That's what I got today.

Stories from a Momma (and Wife) Bear #7

This might be long
and fragmented because
my mind is on fire
when I think about
the hate that permeates

I wish that those who feel
my men don't
experience hate
because they may be light
or because they were
'raised right'

That they
Could fully see and know
that people who hate
don't care about that
they see their skin
and it's a wrap

We were watching
The Hate You Give
and knowing that they
likely knew this truth
Code-switching to survive
high school
and daily experiencing
hate.

Driving while black
with a stop that isn't
'routine'
Watch what you do in this neighborhood
but it's where they live

Working and offering a cart
wife tells her husband
We don't take a cart from 'him'
yet takes one from another.

Meeting with their advisor
Stating they desire a degree
in mechanical design
and being told
'Wow, now that's a suprise'

Or in high school
the guidance counselor says
that's probably not your field
That math is much too hard
You're probably not that smart

Crossing the street
I mean black boys
must mean trouble
'I'd cross if they were white'
that might be true
1 out of 10 times

Being called the 'n' word
We've already discussed that
Why do white people
Wanna say that word so bad?

Tossing around the words
Thug, Nigga and ghetto
Yet refusing to learn
the impact of these words
and their hate
filled hearts
of malice and distrust.

I want the world to know
that each life has value
and my son's are your sons
my husband is every man
and they aren't safe
from police brutality
because they are light
or because they were raised right
they aren't safe from
your hate because
growing up their neighbors were
or even some of their blood is
white

BLACK LIVES MATTERS
matters
because this country
and maybe even
you
want to pretend
that racism is dead
and we're all
treated the same
well I can tell you
my friend
that you are wrong
and that's making
it harder
to turn things around

So I pray every day that
my men return
without any more scars
without more battle wounds
That might also be your prayer
But is it solely because they are black?


That's what I got today.

I'm Tired. But.....

I'm tired.

This morning my husband and I got up to have breakfast with our sons at 8am. Not super early. We didn't go to bed super late. Ran an errand or two and dropped my husband off at the track meet. Since I don't have to be there until later, I came over to the Caribou by campus to lounge for a bit before heading back to the school. And as I'm sitting here watching the young college folks come and go, study and laugh, move with quickness I realized....I'm tired.

Not necessarily like I need more sleep tired. And not necessarily like #45 has me drained tired.  (although on any given day those things might be true) But in a what am I actually accomplishing kind of tired.

Truth be told, this is a slippery slope for me. It can mean the start of a snowball affect to a dark place of 'why are we here' or 'does anything even matter'. That is not good or healthy and as many of you know I've spent decades getting the right mix of medication to combat that.

But.

If I'm able to stay on the cliff, peering over at the tiredness and what is propelling it....it allows me time to reflect on what truly is, where good is and restores a hope in me that puts me back on solid footing facing what's to come with renewed energy. I can see past the ugly to what might be.

There is definitely enough ugly in the world to go around. People lying, dying....pain and destruction....hate that permeates a soul and seeps into society....abandonment and judgement....opinions based on nothing but ignorance. And in a tired place that can become so overwhelming. I mean how does one person tackle that?  It seems too simple and almost a cop out to say, 'Well you can't change the world-there's only 24 hours in a day-you can only focus on who is in front of you.'  That may definitely be the case at times. And there is nothing wrong with operating that way-because that is important too. But if you think of all great social movements that have changed our reality....there are always folks in the mix who are consumed with the whole. And not just the individual. There has to be those thinking big picture; those carrying the weight.

Slaves aren't free focusing only on the individual.
Women aren't voting focusing only on the individual.
Same sex marriages aren't legal focusing only on the individual.

As I'm peering over the cliff today...

I'm tired of hearing talk about a wall that people think will keep us safe.
I'm tired of seeing us not supporting others around us that need our help.
I'm tired of knowing there are some who won't have food tomorrow.
I'm tired...

What holds me over that cliff?  And then pulls me back?

The people I see around me who are interested in learning more about those who aren't like them.
The people I see who are brave to tell their stories knowing they might be met with hate.
The people I know who are ready and willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work of caring.


The sociologist in me battles between the one and the whole. Because the whole has always been mine. This is who I am. I am weary and tired at times, but by making sure I have adequate breaks and self care, I am able return to that focus and refreshment I spoke of earlier. And I am very blessed to have a wonderful support system who checks on me and reminds me to care for myself.  So I take a deep breath and close my eyes. And I open them with a heart even more ready to hold the heavy weight and burden of others.

That might not be you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Then you can focus on the one. And that is so so vital. The one that needs you. Engage with your community and sphere of influence and become a part of someone's support system. And I challenge you look beyond your own little family. They are important--of course they are. But you are their built in support system. Place yourself into the support system of someone who doesn't have one. (PS. This doesn't necessarily mean poor people here. Think of the college student without encouragement, the co-worker with nowhere to go for the holidays.)

Imagine a world where there was no fringe. Where everyone had a place to sleep, a plate to eat and someone to care that they were there.  Can you see it?

We can be tired.  But we can't stay there.  The one and whole need us.
Who and how are you going to support today?  
And maybe it's just living out loud, choosing to exude love.
Sometimes you never know who are you are reaching and how it will affect their day.

That's what I got today.

Love is love.

Love is love.
and to be human
is more
than having a penis or vagina.

Why do we care what
someone else has in their jeans
Why would we try to deny
their existence
their humanity

My world began narrow
there were men
and there were women
and once in awhile
you'd whisper about
another human
who just didn't seem 'right'.

As I left that small place
and saw a fuller view
of every kind of human
that God had created
I saw that the whisper
was hatred in disguise
fear and ignorance
veiled as right

We give things a label
because it's just what we do
our need to categorize
created LGBTQ

And I hear ugly around me
Speaking with hate and rage
instead of a desire to learn
there's determination to ruin
how do we deny a human's existence
when they are standing right there?

I see you Aeryn Raven
with all your glorious joy
You slay me dear Kristina
for your honest bravery every day
I love you Benjamin Buttons
and your kind and thoughtful ways
You are valued and loved
worth not determined by what
someone else says
I'm standing here with you
and not going anywhere.

That's what I got today.