the madness
of a mind
so clouded
that there
isn't a way out
can be
sometimes unexplainable
often uncontrollable
and mostly uncontainable
it can seem
light and smart
and big
and full
of love and soul
yet
sometimes unexplainable
often uncontrollable
and mostly uncontainable
when the
mind is yours
and thoughts
like waves
lash about
yet make you crave
the
out of control
the
can't be still
but still we must be
so the thoughts
and the mind
and the heart
and the soul
can be at peace
can be at rest
and
allow explaination
exhibit control
and be contained
until next time.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Sunday, September 9, 2018
It's time to BLOOM
Yesterday I was privileged enough to spend 4ish hours with 5 other women at a BLOOM event.
It was divine.
We disagreed but listened.
The conversation was deep.
We laughed and got teary.
It was about connection and togetherness.
Although we had never all been connected or together before.
And it was exactly what I've envisioned in my heart when I've seen BLOOM.
Women
Black, white, old or young,
Married or single
Trans or cis
Loud or soft spoken
Women
It's caused me to think about dreams and how easily they get sidetracked and dismissed. The other day I went to coffee with a friend that I rarely get to see but who I still consider a sister. We talked about how easily we've both set things aside or put them on the back burner....yet can stay on top of handling other people's stuff. And I thought about my book and about BLOOM. And how there's been a stirring (sometimes stronger than others) for years about these two things coming to life. And while the book is still on a back burner somewhere, BLOOM has begun. And as I put more time and energy into what it really might look like to bring life out of mess in a more formal, consistent and committed way...I am excited to see all of the different facets it can possess. Small times together with coffee and treats, larger gatherings with speakers, summer events in a park, meeting tangible needs or offering financial help, cooking classes....the list could go on. I truly believe that it will grow as it should and when it should.
But I do believe that it's time to be diligent and take the plunge. I'm tired of getting sidetracked. And I'm definitely tired of dismissing my dream. I can't let fear of failure or other's opinions keep me from moving forward. I can't let distraction hinder my focus.
What are the plans or dreams you've set aside? Where are the places you are hiding...maybe out of fear or lack of focus? How can we help each other take the next step? Why are you waiting?
My ultimate dream is a place. Likely a home. Where women can come. And bring life out of mess.
Because we all have mess.
And we all can BLOOM.
It was divine.
We disagreed but listened.
The conversation was deep.
We laughed and got teary.
It was about connection and togetherness.
Although we had never all been connected or together before.
And it was exactly what I've envisioned in my heart when I've seen BLOOM.
Women
Black, white, old or young,
Married or single
Trans or cis
Loud or soft spoken
Women
It's caused me to think about dreams and how easily they get sidetracked and dismissed. The other day I went to coffee with a friend that I rarely get to see but who I still consider a sister. We talked about how easily we've both set things aside or put them on the back burner....yet can stay on top of handling other people's stuff. And I thought about my book and about BLOOM. And how there's been a stirring (sometimes stronger than others) for years about these two things coming to life. And while the book is still on a back burner somewhere, BLOOM has begun. And as I put more time and energy into what it really might look like to bring life out of mess in a more formal, consistent and committed way...I am excited to see all of the different facets it can possess. Small times together with coffee and treats, larger gatherings with speakers, summer events in a park, meeting tangible needs or offering financial help, cooking classes....the list could go on. I truly believe that it will grow as it should and when it should.
But I do believe that it's time to be diligent and take the plunge. I'm tired of getting sidetracked. And I'm definitely tired of dismissing my dream. I can't let fear of failure or other's opinions keep me from moving forward. I can't let distraction hinder my focus.
What are the plans or dreams you've set aside? Where are the places you are hiding...maybe out of fear or lack of focus? How can we help each other take the next step? Why are you waiting?
My ultimate dream is a place. Likely a home. Where women can come. And bring life out of mess.
Because we all have mess.
And we all can BLOOM.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Stories from a Momma Bear #6
My sons now are men
They are finding their way
We've done our best to prepare them
But I still remember the day
That the FIRST call came (it would come again)
They were just wee little ones
But still with contempt she said
'Your sons keep on fighting
Get them to stop if you would.'
So we sat down to talk
Make wise choices-walk away
But that's quite hard to do
Being called n***a every day.
Have you told a teacher?
have you let them know?
You might hope they hadn't
But we knew that they had
Even at 5 and 6 they'd been taught their worth
They'd already been called that word...
More than they should.
The problem becomes
Not just that it's said
but that when it's known
Nothing is done.
Thus began a regular fight
Here come the Pitchford's
I'm gonna need you to get right.
Not just the boys
but Daddy and Momma Bear too.
Just so you know we aren't taking your shit
Soooo
They aren't going to be suspended
And they aren't staying in
Unless you begin
To handle this hate
To deal with the truth
That using that word
Carries some weight
And if you say it enough
You might not be safe.
And the ugly truth
Is there's still much to teach
Because you can't stop that word
It just flows from some people
But as a parent you can demand
That they listen
They watch
And then they act
Because yes there's great teachers
But there are also
Those who deep down inside
Might be saying that word
They just know to hide
The hate that they feel
Or might not even know
They carry it around
And sometimes let show.
So it's always our job
While they are still in our care
To teach and to guide them
But remember that
We can't always protect
Those wee little ones especially
As they begin to leave our sight
As they grow and become
Young women and men
Then adults on their own
And that word
Still there
Continues to flow
So while I'm teaching mine to
Walk away-take a breath
And to remember that they are often
being watched and often
Won't get the benefit of the doubt
I need you to teach yours
To keep that word out their mouth
They are finding their way
We've done our best to prepare them
But I still remember the day
That the FIRST call came (it would come again)
They were just wee little ones
But still with contempt she said
'Your sons keep on fighting
Get them to stop if you would.'
So we sat down to talk
Make wise choices-walk away
But that's quite hard to do
Being called n***a every day.
Have you told a teacher?
have you let them know?
You might hope they hadn't
But we knew that they had
Even at 5 and 6 they'd been taught their worth
They'd already been called that word...
More than they should.
The problem becomes
Not just that it's said
but that when it's known
Nothing is done.
Thus began a regular fight
Here come the Pitchford's
I'm gonna need you to get right.
Not just the boys
but Daddy and Momma Bear too.
Just so you know we aren't taking your shit
Soooo
They aren't going to be suspended
And they aren't staying in
Unless you begin
To handle this hate
To deal with the truth
That using that word
Carries some weight
And if you say it enough
You might not be safe.
And the ugly truth
Is there's still much to teach
Because you can't stop that word
It just flows from some people
But as a parent you can demand
That they listen
They watch
And then they act
Because yes there's great teachers
But there are also
Those who deep down inside
Might be saying that word
They just know to hide
The hate that they feel
Or might not even know
They carry it around
And sometimes let show.
So it's always our job
While they are still in our care
To teach and to guide them
But remember that
We can't always protect
Those wee little ones especially
As they begin to leave our sight
As they grow and become
Young women and men
Then adults on their own
And that word
Still there
Continues to flow
So while I'm teaching mine to
Walk away-take a breath
And to remember that they are often
being watched and often
Won't get the benefit of the doubt
I need you to teach yours
To keep that word out their mouth
Monday, August 6, 2018
Arizonas, Hoodies and Skittles.
'If I had a son...'
President Barack Obama took 2 minutes to answer a question about his thoughts on the Trayvon Martin case in March 2012.
And all the white people lost their shit.
Even white people you thought wouldn't. I've never unfriended and been unfriended on social media by so many people before or since.
Conservative media, news sources and all the 'jump on the bandwagon' folks tried to say:
that he bought Arizona and skittles because he was going to make 'lean'.
that he was a thug (aka n---a) because he posted a picture flipping the bird and wearing a grill.
that he was a delinquent because he had been suspended for having some marijuana.
that his hoodie was as much to blame as George Zimmerman's gun.
that there were no issues in Sanford.
It was not uncommon for me to have arguments that I had to step away from because of the justification for reasons he was killed:
about how it was dark and rainy and he had his hands in his pockets.
about how he looked older than 17.
about how he should have just stopped and spoke to George Zimmerman.
about how he didn't live there-he was only visiting.
about how it was raining.
For those that don't remember...or whose privilege allowed them to have their head in the sand...the national uproar came initially because of how long it took them to arrest George Zimmerman.
Trayvon was killed on February 26th, 2012.
The arrest did not come until April 11th, 2012.
I worked with pretty much all conservative white people at the time. I did not have the same point of view as many of my co-workers. And I remember as I would post articles or newsclips....as I would lament for Trayvon's family....as I would try to have conversations about my feelings...a very common response was that....
this wouldn't happen to your kids...
you have good kids....
there's obviously more to the story....
you weren't there....
But
It definitely could...
That doesn't matter...
There might not be...
I didn't need to be to believe....
And I grew tired. Tired of having the same old conversation. Tired of being reminded of how extreme the gap was that existed. Tired of having to explain.
It was the start of my decision that I no longer cared to try and reach people with racist ideology by trying to 'meet them halfway' by trying to 'understand their point of view' by trying to explain for the 100th time why I felt the way I did and so I wasn't going to try to. I'm not saying I won't speak up if I see and hear racist shit...I'm not saying I might not tell you about yourself....but you can't say something like 'White people are oppressed' and then have a conversation with me.
I don't know if this is right or wrong.
I just know it is what is for me.
Sitting down to dialogue with someone who is realizing that inequity is real or who has questions about my experience as a wife to a black man and mother to black sons in this day and age is one thing. I hope that when I share my heart...it makes people stop and think. I hope it leads to asking questions. I love having those conversations.
but I have no desire to debate that which is my experience...my husband's experience...my son's experience....with someone who
'has a black co worker'
'slept with a black guy once'
'has a black friend'
'read an article about racism'
or just
'wishes we wouldn't make it about color'
'doesn't see color'
'would rather focus on the good stuff''
'thinks I'm exaggerating'
I am a sociology major partly because I wanted to get out of school quickly and didn't want to wait for the classes needed to be a social work major. But also? Because I love people. I love humanity. I love what makes a community tick and what makes it break down. I love discovering patterns of society, how social norms influence growth and how social factors affect us (like race, age, gender, etc.) This has always driven me. And likely will continue to.
I remember that day. Hearing about and then reading about Trayvon Martin. Seeing my own sons...who often wore hoodies....who drank Arizon's....who sometimes walked home.
And I wept.
Because I do have a son.
And he could be Trayvon.
And George Zimmerman's lurk everywhere.
President Barack Obama took 2 minutes to answer a question about his thoughts on the Trayvon Martin case in March 2012.
And all the white people lost their shit.
Even white people you thought wouldn't. I've never unfriended and been unfriended on social media by so many people before or since.
Conservative media, news sources and all the 'jump on the bandwagon' folks tried to say:
that he bought Arizona and skittles because he was going to make 'lean'.
that he was a thug (aka n---a) because he posted a picture flipping the bird and wearing a grill.
that he was a delinquent because he had been suspended for having some marijuana.
that his hoodie was as much to blame as George Zimmerman's gun.
that there were no issues in Sanford.
It was not uncommon for me to have arguments that I had to step away from because of the justification for reasons he was killed:
about how it was dark and rainy and he had his hands in his pockets.
about how he looked older than 17.
about how he should have just stopped and spoke to George Zimmerman.
about how he didn't live there-he was only visiting.
about how it was raining.
For those that don't remember...or whose privilege allowed them to have their head in the sand...the national uproar came initially because of how long it took them to arrest George Zimmerman.
Trayvon was killed on February 26th, 2012.
The arrest did not come until April 11th, 2012.
I worked with pretty much all conservative white people at the time. I did not have the same point of view as many of my co-workers. And I remember as I would post articles or newsclips....as I would lament for Trayvon's family....as I would try to have conversations about my feelings...a very common response was that....
this wouldn't happen to your kids...
you have good kids....
there's obviously more to the story....
you weren't there....
But
It definitely could...
That doesn't matter...
There might not be...
I didn't need to be to believe....
And I grew tired. Tired of having the same old conversation. Tired of being reminded of how extreme the gap was that existed. Tired of having to explain.
It was the start of my decision that I no longer cared to try and reach people with racist ideology by trying to 'meet them halfway' by trying to 'understand their point of view' by trying to explain for the 100th time why I felt the way I did and so I wasn't going to try to. I'm not saying I won't speak up if I see and hear racist shit...I'm not saying I might not tell you about yourself....but you can't say something like 'White people are oppressed' and then have a conversation with me.
I don't know if this is right or wrong.
I just know it is what is for me.
Sitting down to dialogue with someone who is realizing that inequity is real or who has questions about my experience as a wife to a black man and mother to black sons in this day and age is one thing. I hope that when I share my heart...it makes people stop and think. I hope it leads to asking questions. I love having those conversations.
but I have no desire to debate that which is my experience...my husband's experience...my son's experience....with someone who
'has a black co worker'
'slept with a black guy once'
'has a black friend'
'read an article about racism'
or just
'wishes we wouldn't make it about color'
'doesn't see color'
'would rather focus on the good stuff''
'thinks I'm exaggerating'
I am a sociology major partly because I wanted to get out of school quickly and didn't want to wait for the classes needed to be a social work major. But also? Because I love people. I love humanity. I love what makes a community tick and what makes it break down. I love discovering patterns of society, how social norms influence growth and how social factors affect us (like race, age, gender, etc.) This has always driven me. And likely will continue to.
I remember that day. Hearing about and then reading about Trayvon Martin. Seeing my own sons...who often wore hoodies....who drank Arizon's....who sometimes walked home.
And I wept.
Because I do have a son.
And he could be Trayvon.
And George Zimmerman's lurk everywhere.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
I just don't understand.
I just don't understand.
Black people just living
but Becky's gotta call the cops
I mean how is it possible
Some don't see that it should stop.
Mexicans are rapists
and illegal-build that wall
Yet other countries' entering doesn't seem
to bother 'merica at all
Our president is filthy
ugly and full of lies
Yet Jesus lovers quickly
defend him and consider him wise.
Women who've been assaulted
Mistreated and abused
are still seen as asking for it
we are so backwards and confused.
People care who other's marry
whether others sit or stand to pee
They think it is their business
and they can tell others how to be
Families in need are judged
for what they need
But if someone decides to give
post that picture if you please.
Racism runs rampant
and ignorance, it's growing
People look at others with hate
They don't care if it's showing
I just don't understand.
And just when i'm about
to lose all faith
in humanity
the beauty of people
filled with abandon and love
draws me in.
A conversation with friends
full of laughter and tears
A grandiose gesture
that covers a need
Questions then listening
to better comprehend
An honest desire to
follow Jesus
An open and kind
outstretched hand.
So even though i don't understand
and likely never will
I cling to every little bit
of HOPE that there is.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
My dad.
So my dad.
He really might be one of the best humans ever.
When I was little my dad was like a super hero. He was strong and brave. He was fun and silly. He was tough and sensitive. My dad made funny faces. He talked in different voices. He pretended to be different characters like Little Boy Jackson and the Hulk. I remember once he actually tore off one of his t-shirts for effect with my cousins. We watched scary movies together and man could he dance! (still can) He worked hard and my sister and I had him wrapped around our finger. I could share story after story of him being there. Of him stepping up. Of him exuding love and laughter. From his forgetfulness to his devotion....he does everything larger than life.
I didn't know the things I would find out later. That his life wasn't easy like he worked hard to make mine. That he enlisted so his brothers wouldn't have to and was sent to Vietnam to proudly fight in a war only to return to hate. That he made mistakes and got in trouble. That his heart was broken. That he almost didn't make it.
Finding those things out as I got older and could understand more only made me love him more. He fought back against the darkest demons that haunt someone who has seen what he's seen so that he could live a full and free life....so that he could love.
He is honor embodied. And I am so thankful he's my daddy.
Friday, June 8, 2018
To be.
It's so easy to look at someone else
And to think you know their story.
It's so easy to look at yourself
And pretend what is...is not.
It's like we learn at a young age
To act right
To look good
To do it all
To make it count
And I'm not even sure
Those messages are fully harmful
But I know we must also
Remind each other
to be mindful
That acting right can be wrong
When you are having to fake it
That looking good does not matter
If you aren't feeling good
You can't do it all without
Losing some along the way
And you can't make it count
when you can't make it.
But dear one
In the midst of
claiming your truth
Of proclaiming it's okay
to not be okay,
Don't neglect
to care for yourself
to get your rest
take your medicine
or see your doctor.
Please take the time
That you need.
To be.
Because we need you to be.
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