I have some sobering news to share.
So today while I was in a meeting at work we got an email that all of us who have been at the company for less than a year are being given a 3 month 'period of review'. I guess there's been so many issues in the past with 'newbies' that they want to press pause and make sure we are going to work out. And the crazy part?? It was effective immediately. Like I didn't even get the email until 2 1/2 hours later because of my appointment.
Super crazy. I am super stressed if I'm honest. It's totally out of left field. I mean when the new company 'bought' us there was talk that they might try to get rid of some of us, they were going to clean house of everyone new because we didn't know as much...there was even rumors that the new boss had planned on letting everyone go who has been working less than a year...but decided instead on this 'period of review'. It's even more frustrating because I can't really talk to anyone in charge about it because we just got this new parent company...can't talk to the 'seasoned' employees because it doesn't affect them...so in essence all of us newbies are like, 'what the hell?!?'
So basically during this review period a few things are going to be affected. The email spelled out the process for us.
Inspection: Our work is going to be extra scrutinized. From the sounds of it, we can basically expect every little detail being reviewed with a fine tooth comb. I do my work, but this makes me super anxious because I am human after all and definitely not perfect. It also makes me a little irritated because I just had a 6 month review and that went pretty well. I am new, so some things I don't even know how to do yet...but it's going to be scrutinized?!? Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
Benefits: Any option for getting bonuses and ordering supplies is suspended during this time. It's almost like they want to make sure we are 'worthy' of the perks. We can't ask off any time and will be penalized doubly if we are ill or use emergency sick time. It's almost like we're being suspended or held accountable in the same way employees who are under disciplinary action are. Guys!! We are talking April 30!!!
Hold: This piece has me sooo frustrated I guess. We aren't able to see our participants during this time. They want us to come to an office, basically like a holding place, and sit in seminars and trainings to relearn everything that we've learned already. Meanwhile it's like the world is on hold and we can't move forward with paperwork, processing, planning, relationship building....all of the things that make our job, well; our job. Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
Pay: This. is the kicker. We aren't going to get PAID during this time. They will compensate us with a stipend at the end of the 3 months provided we pass their review...but that doesn't really help me or my family DURING the stupid process. Like, is that even legal? I guess I'm going to need to find an employment lawyer. Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
I was so afraid to tell anyone. I mean, one it's kind of demoralizing. Even though I know it's not my fault. It just feels wrong and dirty almost. Two, I am panicked. How in the world are we going to sustain until April 30th!!! I did share with a close friend I work with who has been there for a few years and she actually said to me, 'Mindy. Relax, it's 3 months. That's not a big deal.' I couldn't believe it. Easy for her to say. Her job is fine. Her family won't be affected. Her livelihood isn't under attack. Another coworker on my team told me that God always has a plan. Seriously? Believer or not...not exactly helpful in the moments after reading the email.
So I'm hoping and praying that this will end and that they will reconsider. That if enough of us speak up and speak out it will change and they'll reconsider. But I'm not hopeful.
If any of you are willing...able to help out...prayer is great but let me know if you hear of other jobs...maybe would be able to make us a few meals...I plan on selling some things to help out...anything really. Appreciate it so. Just have to figure out how to get through these 3 months.
Are you with me?
Can you feel my pain and frustration?
I'm hoping you can empathize. Understand.
And then.
Imagine those 3 months....or 90 days being stuck in limbo....estranged from your country that was and not being allowed into the country that was to be.
This isn't happening to me.
But it is happening.
Because every time someone says with regards to the Refugee/Muslim ban...
It's only 90 days.
It's not forever.
What is 3 months.
We're talking about the end of April. No home to return to. No home to come to.
And it's what I needed to share Before my Heart Explodes. Part 3.
That's what I got today.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes. Part 2.
Here's where I'm at today.
This isn't the blog I had planned for today. But in lieu of today, it's what's been on my heart.
When my middle son hangs out with his closest friends from high school....they look like an ad for a UN commercial. Not just different personalities...but different countries of origin.
This has led to a diverse and perhaps more culturally aware existence than maybe most friend groups encounter. One that knows and understands pain and hate. One that know and understands fear and ignorance.
When I think of my son and his two very best friends from a young age.... I have to smile because I can't imagine one without the other two.
Black, Mexican and White.
Peruvian.
Rwandan.
They love each other. They complement each other. They are brothers.
The thought of an America that doesn't allow this friendship to exist? Makes me sad.
Over and over today as I read articles, listened to the news, interacted on social media....my emotions were all over the place. Angry. Confused. Disbelief. Despair. Fear.
I am happy to hear of the stay.
I am sad that it had to occur.
I am crying out to God.
Lord have mercy on us.
Protect us from ourselves.
Help us do the work.
Help us learn and grow.
Help us understand.
I just keep looking at those faces. And the beauty they represent. The tapestry of culture.
The world is connected. It's supposed to be.
Because Elijah, Alvaro and Sam were meant to be life long friends. And we need a world where that can happen.
That's all I got today.
This isn't the blog I had planned for today. But in lieu of today, it's what's been on my heart.
When my middle son hangs out with his closest friends from high school....they look like an ad for a UN commercial. Not just different personalities...but different countries of origin.
This has led to a diverse and perhaps more culturally aware existence than maybe most friend groups encounter. One that knows and understands pain and hate. One that know and understands fear and ignorance.
When I think of my son and his two very best friends from a young age.... I have to smile because I can't imagine one without the other two.
Black, Mexican and White.
Peruvian.
Rwandan.
They love each other. They complement each other. They are brothers.
From littles in soccer and summer camp to choir concerts and dances to travelling across the country.
Different but the same. Love to sing. Love to laugh. Love to act crazy. Love to hug. Love to argue.
Over and over today as I read articles, listened to the news, interacted on social media....my emotions were all over the place. Angry. Confused. Disbelief. Despair. Fear.
I am happy to hear of the stay.
I am sad that it had to occur.
I am crying out to God.
Lord have mercy on us.
Protect us from ourselves.
Help us do the work.
Help us learn and grow.
Help us understand.
I just keep looking at those faces. And the beauty they represent. The tapestry of culture.
The world is connected. It's supposed to be.
Because Elijah, Alvaro and Sam were meant to be life long friends. And we need a world where that can happen.
That's all I got today.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes. Part 1.
I've been pretty pensive lately. My heart is beyond heavy.
Well, actually kind of a mixture of pensive, pissed and occasionally peaceful. I'm jumbled like that sometimes.
Through social media, plain ol media, conversations and friends....I keep seeing a repeating theme.
Division.
'Why are we allowing ourselves to be divided'
'Why don't we just pray and see the other side'
'People need to just....'
'People should.....'
I've even seen some post things like, 'This is what God wanted so people need to just trust God.'
That statement makes me cringe.
Please know that what follows is my heart. My experience and my truth. I have several posts I've been working on....writing and rewriting...struggling to express myself without cursing, screaming or taking off my earrings.
Do not try to convince me what I'm writing is 'wrong'. I'm willing to have conversation...and open to hear how you might see things....but I will not debate with anyone whether this is valid. It's just time to get these out or I am going to explode. I've written and rewritten a million blogs in the last few weeks...many of which were only appropriate to be thrown straight out because I was too pissed to be coherent and too disgusted to care.
But it's exactly where I'm at and fueling where I'm going. (figuratively people, I don't plan on moving)
What I got tonight??
The U.S. is not 'chosen'. God doesn't love the U.S. anymore or any less than any other country.
And the U.S. is not, and has never been a Christian country. I'm not saying it hasn't claimed to be. To me....it just hasn't.
The constitution needs to be rewritten. At the time it was written, not only were there 500,000 PEOPLE WHO WERE OWNED BY OTHER PEOPLE, the fricken writer himself owned at least 100 or so.
Because of desire for power...SLAVES were counted as only 3/5 a person. How's that for prolife.
I want to puke in my mouth when I read crap in history books that say, 'many colonists abhorred slavery...even slaveowners.' GTFOH.
Sure. Sure they did.
We are a selfish people. Always have been. From jump.
And by the way.
For those still reading.....
Ummmmmm. Ya'll realize there are no TRUE Americans---whatever that means---because good ol' Chris (Christopher Colombus that is) um, he found land that was already someone's land and decided it was better here and wanted it and so he took it. Really, maybe he was just too fricken lazy or confused to go where he was really supposed to be going....so this might as well do. Kind of like when you're looking for a Hardees but only see McDonalds so you just give up and give in and settle for a Big Mac vs. a Frisco burger. I mean a burger is a burger right?
By the 1600s (if memory serves me, Europeans began to flock to the colonies) PS. We weren't the U.S. yet. PSS. That means white people. PSSS. France and Spain were here too. Like those battles that were glossed over in school---we realized that they didn't just show up in "our" land to fight us right?
And PLEASE. Do not forget that Natives lived here for THOUSANDS of years before Chris arrived with his crew. THOUSANDS.
Let that sink in.
We. We were the refugees so to speak. Because we were fleeing. Looking for opportunity. Hoping to bring something more to our families.
Did you know that individuals from some countries can only come through a lottery and some countries, like Mexico, don't even have a lottery? If you didn't know that....please stop talking like you know anything about immigrants and the path to citizenship.
It's easy to dismiss PEOPLE who have either come to this country or are trying to by saying flippant remarks
'become a citizen' 'go back where you came from'
It's even easier to be on board with policies that will SHUT DOWN entry to the U.S.
But it's not right.
And it's not biblical.
It's not right.
And it's not biblical.
And don't ask me to find all the verses that lead me to believe it's not biblical. If it matters to you, you can do the work. As I recently saw a brilliant friend of mine state, 'I will not do the work for you.'
I'm torn. It makes me furious when I see folks claiming to be Christian and pro life and loving others and feeding the sheep.... but get on board with shutting down our borders. Get on board with saying hurtful and demeaning things about Muslims. About Mexicans. About refugees. Yet many of these same people have no opinion about mass incarceration. No opinion about pipelines. No opinion about lead infested water. No opinion about racial disparity in this country.
It seriously causes such anger in me. More than my heart can take some days.
But I also know that I'm called to love my enemies.
I'll let you in a little secret....
For me....the enemy isn't Muslims. Isn't Mexicans. Isn't refugees. Isn't blacks. Isn't police.
For me....the enemy is a whole lotta ya'll. Those claiming to LOVE God but really are loving the U.S. more than his Word.
But I believe that I am called to love my enemies. And so believe me, I am working on that. It is my desire to reflect Jesus as best I can with what I have.
But if you see those earrings coming out? I'd just quietly walk away.
That's what I got today.
Well, actually kind of a mixture of pensive, pissed and occasionally peaceful. I'm jumbled like that sometimes.
Through social media, plain ol media, conversations and friends....I keep seeing a repeating theme.
Division.
'Why are we allowing ourselves to be divided'
'Why don't we just pray and see the other side'
'People need to just....'
'People should.....'
I've even seen some post things like, 'This is what God wanted so people need to just trust God.'
That statement makes me cringe.
Please know that what follows is my heart. My experience and my truth. I have several posts I've been working on....writing and rewriting...struggling to express myself without cursing, screaming or taking off my earrings.
Do not try to convince me what I'm writing is 'wrong'. I'm willing to have conversation...and open to hear how you might see things....but I will not debate with anyone whether this is valid. It's just time to get these out or I am going to explode. I've written and rewritten a million blogs in the last few weeks...many of which were only appropriate to be thrown straight out because I was too pissed to be coherent and too disgusted to care.
But it's exactly where I'm at and fueling where I'm going. (figuratively people, I don't plan on moving)
What I got tonight??
The U.S. is not 'chosen'. God doesn't love the U.S. anymore or any less than any other country.
And the U.S. is not, and has never been a Christian country. I'm not saying it hasn't claimed to be. To me....it just hasn't.
The constitution needs to be rewritten. At the time it was written, not only were there 500,000 PEOPLE WHO WERE OWNED BY OTHER PEOPLE, the fricken writer himself owned at least 100 or so.
Because of desire for power...SLAVES were counted as only 3/5 a person. How's that for prolife.
I want to puke in my mouth when I read crap in history books that say, 'many colonists abhorred slavery...even slaveowners.' GTFOH.
Sure. Sure they did.
We are a selfish people. Always have been. From jump.
And by the way.
For those still reading.....
Ummmmmm. Ya'll realize there are no TRUE Americans---whatever that means---because good ol' Chris (Christopher Colombus that is) um, he found land that was already someone's land and decided it was better here and wanted it and so he took it. Really, maybe he was just too fricken lazy or confused to go where he was really supposed to be going....so this might as well do. Kind of like when you're looking for a Hardees but only see McDonalds so you just give up and give in and settle for a Big Mac vs. a Frisco burger. I mean a burger is a burger right?
By the 1600s (if memory serves me, Europeans began to flock to the colonies) PS. We weren't the U.S. yet. PSS. That means white people. PSSS. France and Spain were here too. Like those battles that were glossed over in school---we realized that they didn't just show up in "our" land to fight us right?
And PLEASE. Do not forget that Natives lived here for THOUSANDS of years before Chris arrived with his crew. THOUSANDS.
Let that sink in.
We. We were the refugees so to speak. Because we were fleeing. Looking for opportunity. Hoping to bring something more to our families.
Did you know that individuals from some countries can only come through a lottery and some countries, like Mexico, don't even have a lottery? If you didn't know that....please stop talking like you know anything about immigrants and the path to citizenship.
It's easy to dismiss PEOPLE who have either come to this country or are trying to by saying flippant remarks
'become a citizen' 'go back where you came from'
It's even easier to be on board with policies that will SHUT DOWN entry to the U.S.
But it's not right.
And it's not biblical.
It's not right.
And it's not biblical.
And don't ask me to find all the verses that lead me to believe it's not biblical. If it matters to you, you can do the work. As I recently saw a brilliant friend of mine state, 'I will not do the work for you.'
I'm torn. It makes me furious when I see folks claiming to be Christian and pro life and loving others and feeding the sheep.... but get on board with shutting down our borders. Get on board with saying hurtful and demeaning things about Muslims. About Mexicans. About refugees. Yet many of these same people have no opinion about mass incarceration. No opinion about pipelines. No opinion about lead infested water. No opinion about racial disparity in this country.
It seriously causes such anger in me. More than my heart can take some days.
But I also know that I'm called to love my enemies.
I'll let you in a little secret....
For me....the enemy isn't Muslims. Isn't Mexicans. Isn't refugees. Isn't blacks. Isn't police.
For me....the enemy is a whole lotta ya'll. Those claiming to LOVE God but really are loving the U.S. more than his Word.
But I believe that I am called to love my enemies. And so believe me, I am working on that. It is my desire to reflect Jesus as best I can with what I have.
But if you see those earrings coming out? I'd just quietly walk away.
That's what I got today.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Not really a new me.....more like a renewed me...
New year!! New me!!!
Isn't that the most common phrase we hear and see all around us as usher out the old and enter into the new?
Or maybe it's...
Out with the old and in with the new!!!
This is going to be my year!!!
Believe me I'm not knocking these sentiments. I've said them. And meant them. But what I see happen all too often....or maybe it's just me....is that life sucks the fervor and passion right out of them.
And suddenly 2017 is full of the same crap, pain and issues as 2016 was. And before you know it....it's December 31st and we're just praying for the ability to put the year behind us and begin the new year with hope and optimism.
What if....
What if it doesn't matter what year it is. It doesn't matter if we're still dealing with old as we enter new. What if this year isn't our year either?
Man. That's depressing.
Or is it???
Why do we wait for something 'special' or 'magical' to happen before we 'get right'??
Why do we think that there needs to be some monumental thing (like the clock striking midnight) for new to begin?
Why do we believe that there needs to be grandiose plans and ideas for change to occur?
I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak for myself.
There's this idea that in our deepest darkest hour we are closest to Christ. That we often forget about him when things are going well and we learn to lean fully on Him as we face storms.
That was true for me for a long time.
But I've discovered a new phenomenon for myself. And it took me pretty much all of 2016 to realize. At some point...this switched for me. And as I've stood in the storms of 2016...I've relied much too heavily on myself.
Don't get me wrong. I've prayed. I've called upon friends to pray.
And I definitely still believe that God is real and there and present...
But I've allowed my intelligence, my strength, my wit, my insight, my whatever....to supercede my full reliance on Him. I've found myself 'orchestrating' and it's something I've never really done. And it has me feeling blechy. What happened to that full reliance? That openness that I do NOT have the answers...
Full reliance.
That He is more than enough.
And regardless of what happens.....who is president....what laws change...what I lose...who hurts me....who lies to me....who discards me....how I stumble....how I'm wronged...how I fail...regardless of all of that....
He makes beautiful things out of dust.
And His beauty isn't man's beauty. It's not a fixed brain or mended marriage...it's not world peace or restoration of justice....it's not pretty endings and plastic dreams...it's not sweet little Christianity...
What if it's people....
open and honest
broken and torn
full of hope in the midst of hopelessness
full of intregrity in the midst of lies
full of love in the midst of hate...
Getting up everyday and making their very best effort....
to live with integrity
to give with no motive
to do without expectation
to hope when it's hopeless
to love with no agenda
So I have no resolutions.
I am not able to resolve much these days.
I can only rediscover my full reliance on a God who loves us. Who is bigger and wider than the box we put Him in. Who is capable of more than we can see and desires us to allow Him full reign.
I'm not one who tosses out scripture like free tshirts at a concert....but there are a few truths that I'm clinging to and challenging myself with for 2017....
He has given me dominion and authority.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
He is for me.
But am I living under His dominion and authority?
But am I under the protection of the shield?
But am I for Him?
I am coming for 2017. But I am not alone.
I'm coming equipped with the Lion of Judah.
So you might want to move around.
That's what I got today.
Isn't that the most common phrase we hear and see all around us as usher out the old and enter into the new?
Or maybe it's...
Out with the old and in with the new!!!
This is going to be my year!!!
Believe me I'm not knocking these sentiments. I've said them. And meant them. But what I see happen all too often....or maybe it's just me....is that life sucks the fervor and passion right out of them.
And suddenly 2017 is full of the same crap, pain and issues as 2016 was. And before you know it....it's December 31st and we're just praying for the ability to put the year behind us and begin the new year with hope and optimism.
What if....
What if it doesn't matter what year it is. It doesn't matter if we're still dealing with old as we enter new. What if this year isn't our year either?
Man. That's depressing.
Or is it???
Why do we wait for something 'special' or 'magical' to happen before we 'get right'??
Why do we think that there needs to be some monumental thing (like the clock striking midnight) for new to begin?
Why do we believe that there needs to be grandiose plans and ideas for change to occur?
I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak for myself.
There's this idea that in our deepest darkest hour we are closest to Christ. That we often forget about him when things are going well and we learn to lean fully on Him as we face storms.
That was true for me for a long time.
But I've discovered a new phenomenon for myself. And it took me pretty much all of 2016 to realize. At some point...this switched for me. And as I've stood in the storms of 2016...I've relied much too heavily on myself.
Don't get me wrong. I've prayed. I've called upon friends to pray.
And I definitely still believe that God is real and there and present...
But I've allowed my intelligence, my strength, my wit, my insight, my whatever....to supercede my full reliance on Him. I've found myself 'orchestrating' and it's something I've never really done. And it has me feeling blechy. What happened to that full reliance? That openness that I do NOT have the answers...
Full reliance.
That He is more than enough.
And regardless of what happens.....who is president....what laws change...what I lose...who hurts me....who lies to me....who discards me....how I stumble....how I'm wronged...how I fail...regardless of all of that....
He makes beautiful things out of dust.
And His beauty isn't man's beauty. It's not a fixed brain or mended marriage...it's not world peace or restoration of justice....it's not pretty endings and plastic dreams...it's not sweet little Christianity...
What if it's people....
open and honest
broken and torn
full of hope in the midst of hopelessness
full of intregrity in the midst of lies
full of love in the midst of hate...
Getting up everyday and making their very best effort....
to live with integrity
to give with no motive
to do without expectation
to hope when it's hopeless
to love with no agenda
So I have no resolutions.
I am not able to resolve much these days.
I can only rediscover my full reliance on a God who loves us. Who is bigger and wider than the box we put Him in. Who is capable of more than we can see and desires us to allow Him full reign.
I'm not one who tosses out scripture like free tshirts at a concert....but there are a few truths that I'm clinging to and challenging myself with for 2017....
He has given me dominion and authority.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
He is for me.
But am I living under His dominion and authority?
But am I under the protection of the shield?
But am I for Him?
I am coming for 2017. But I am not alone.
I'm coming equipped with the Lion of Judah.
So you might want to move around.
That's what I got today.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Being in therapy can be exhausting.
I am not feeling well today and I have a headache on ten. I have therapy in a bit and while I normally look forward to it (I kind of like having my insides ripped right out of me...lol) Today I am kind of dreading it because I know I do not feel 'up to par'.
Will this affect the what I share?
Will this affect how I process what I hear?
Will this affect my desire to participate?
Regardless of the answers, I am going. I know it's something that I need and it's not like I'm on my death bed or in the hospital. So even though part of me would really rather go home and take a nap I am going and going to do my best to be fully present. It is necessary even if I'm not quite feeling it.
Here's what struck me about that.
How often do I not push forward in other areas when I'm not quite 'feeling it'??
I think of all of the different aspects of life...and all of the different pieces of my day and life. There are plenty of times I let 'not quite feeling it' affect not just my participation. It's like if I can't give it 'my best' then I don't push through.
I struggle with that if I'm honest because I can be a perfectionist. And giving half assed effort makes my skin crawl. So I think to combat that...I just don't give any effort or I give 450% effort. Neither is healthy really.
So today. I'm going to therapy. And I'm going knowing that I will just be. Half assed and all. And it will be ok. And it will be accepted.
I want to bring that into other aspects of my life. Trusting and knowing that it will be ok and it will be accepted. And if it's not....well, that's not my problem.
I especially want to remember to bring this into my faith walk with Jesus. I don't want to dip out on Him because I'm not feeling 'up to par'.
I don't have to be perfect for Jesus. In fact, my most transforming moments have occurred when I am most definitely not perfect.
I don't have to have it all together for Jesus. In fact, my most honest moments with him have been when I definitely do not have it all together.
I don't even need to be 'feeling it' for Jesus. He takes the broken, wounded, tattered bits of my heart and soul and accepts them for what they are. And He considers them worthy. And He considers me beautiful.
So I'm going to do that.
That's what I got today.
I am not feeling well today and I have a headache on ten. I have therapy in a bit and while I normally look forward to it (I kind of like having my insides ripped right out of me...lol) Today I am kind of dreading it because I know I do not feel 'up to par'.
Will this affect the what I share?
Will this affect how I process what I hear?
Will this affect my desire to participate?
Regardless of the answers, I am going. I know it's something that I need and it's not like I'm on my death bed or in the hospital. So even though part of me would really rather go home and take a nap I am going and going to do my best to be fully present. It is necessary even if I'm not quite feeling it.
Here's what struck me about that.
How often do I not push forward in other areas when I'm not quite 'feeling it'??
I think of all of the different aspects of life...and all of the different pieces of my day and life. There are plenty of times I let 'not quite feeling it' affect not just my participation. It's like if I can't give it 'my best' then I don't push through.
I struggle with that if I'm honest because I can be a perfectionist. And giving half assed effort makes my skin crawl. So I think to combat that...I just don't give any effort or I give 450% effort. Neither is healthy really.
So today. I'm going to therapy. And I'm going knowing that I will just be. Half assed and all. And it will be ok. And it will be accepted.
I want to bring that into other aspects of my life. Trusting and knowing that it will be ok and it will be accepted. And if it's not....well, that's not my problem.
I especially want to remember to bring this into my faith walk with Jesus. I don't want to dip out on Him because I'm not feeling 'up to par'.
I don't have to be perfect for Jesus. In fact, my most transforming moments have occurred when I am most definitely not perfect.
I don't have to have it all together for Jesus. In fact, my most honest moments with him have been when I definitely do not have it all together.
I don't even need to be 'feeling it' for Jesus. He takes the broken, wounded, tattered bits of my heart and soul and accepts them for what they are. And He considers them worthy. And He considers me beautiful.
So I'm going to do that.
That's what I got today.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
I'm Hella Good with That.....
Another black man was killed today.
This could have been written almost any day.
Another officer wasn't charged today.
And the one finally charged, well he got away.
With a gun or without
Lunging in or running away
In a car, on the street
Doesn't matter
So it seems.
I'm tired of the continued cries
Of people saying 'he deserved it'
If only he was blah blah blah
If only he said blah blah blah
If only he knew blah blah blah.
I need to shut out that mess.
Because it's a tired record
As tired as those same folks saying
'I don't see color and why do 'they'
Make it all about race?
My husband, my sons
Are Trayvon, Tamir, Oscar, Philando,
Walter, Michael, Donte, Eric, Freddie..
That's not even close to the number
Just the names off the top of my head.
The wrong officer on the wrong day
They are just a murder away
So please understand
I don't care about your feelings
I'm not tip toeing anymore
If you feel uneasy
Please just move around.
The truth is the truth.
Period point blank.
You have nothing to fear
In a man running away.
So quit saying it's the circumstances
Quit saying it's 'their' fault
If I don't see you examining
Your own biases?
We're all at fault.
Do you fear every time your son leaves the house?
Do you fear every time your husband leaves the house?
Do you fear every time you hear a squad car behind you?
And fear of....not inconvenience or trouble or a ticket....
But death?
Know this...
The officer isn't always right.
They lie like everyone else.
The good ol boys club
Protects their own.
And disgraces the uniform so many wear proudly
Protecting and serving the community around them.
And if God forbid, something horrific happens
Does my loved one become a hashtag for others to analyze?
Did he obey "enough"?
Did he follow "enough"?
Was his music quiet "enough"?
Was his stance dolice "enough"?
Was his facial expression kind "enough"?
Was his fear real "enough"?????????
So we've taught them
Sit up, turn on inside light, wallet out and on dash, hands on steering wheel, slow movements, no sudden movements, minimal eye contact.
Sit up straight.....cuz "thugs" slouch (also known a n****s)
Turn on the inside light....to avoid "we thought there was a gun"
Wallet out.....well, because Philando
Hands on steering wheel....cuz problems when "we couldn't see his hands"
Slow movements....cuz "I feared for my life, he was like an animal"
No sudden movements....well, because Oscar.
Minimal eye contact....cuz there's a WHOLE lotta folks that deep down can't STAND a confidant black man making direct eye contact and letting you know that he knows that you know.
Your reality?
No? Well....
If not, I need you to either try and empathize...or hell, at least acknowledge that it is reality for many.
If you can't?
Then like I've said many times....we can be casual but we can't be close.
And at this point in my life....I'm hella good with that.
That's what I've got today.
This could have been written almost any day.
Another officer wasn't charged today.
And the one finally charged, well he got away.
With a gun or without
Lunging in or running away
In a car, on the street
Doesn't matter
So it seems.
I'm tired of the continued cries
Of people saying 'he deserved it'
If only he was blah blah blah
If only he said blah blah blah
If only he knew blah blah blah.
I need to shut out that mess.
Because it's a tired record
As tired as those same folks saying
'I don't see color and why do 'they'
Make it all about race?
My husband, my sons
Are Trayvon, Tamir, Oscar, Philando,
Walter, Michael, Donte, Eric, Freddie..
That's not even close to the number
Just the names off the top of my head.
The wrong officer on the wrong day
They are just a murder away
So please understand
I don't care about your feelings
I'm not tip toeing anymore
If you feel uneasy
Please just move around.
The truth is the truth.
Period point blank.
You have nothing to fear
In a man running away.
So quit saying it's the circumstances
Quit saying it's 'their' fault
If I don't see you examining
Your own biases?
We're all at fault.
Do you fear every time your son leaves the house?
Do you fear every time your husband leaves the house?
Do you fear every time you hear a squad car behind you?
And fear of....not inconvenience or trouble or a ticket....
But death?
Know this...
The officer isn't always right.
They lie like everyone else.
The good ol boys club
Protects their own.
And disgraces the uniform so many wear proudly
Protecting and serving the community around them.
And if God forbid, something horrific happens
Does my loved one become a hashtag for others to analyze?
Did he obey "enough"?
Did he follow "enough"?
Was his music quiet "enough"?
Was his stance dolice "enough"?
Was his facial expression kind "enough"?
Was his fear real "enough"?????????
So we've taught them
Sit up, turn on inside light, wallet out and on dash, hands on steering wheel, slow movements, no sudden movements, minimal eye contact.
Sit up straight.....cuz "thugs" slouch (also known a n****s)
Turn on the inside light....to avoid "we thought there was a gun"
Wallet out.....well, because Philando
Hands on steering wheel....cuz problems when "we couldn't see his hands"
Slow movements....cuz "I feared for my life, he was like an animal"
No sudden movements....well, because Oscar.
Minimal eye contact....cuz there's a WHOLE lotta folks that deep down can't STAND a confidant black man making direct eye contact and letting you know that he knows that you know.
Your reality?
No? Well....
If not, I need you to either try and empathize...or hell, at least acknowledge that it is reality for many.
If you can't?
Then like I've said many times....we can be casual but we can't be close.
And at this point in my life....I'm hella good with that.
That's what I've got today.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Being a better human
I've been trying to figure out why the show 'This is Us' wrecks my soul so. I initially wrote this last night after watching the show and then hit delete instead of post. After long drawn out rambles I was likely too tired to even be up trying to write, but for me that it my sweet spot of creativity I've found. But the sentiments were still swirling in my soul....so I decided to rewrite what I had wanted to share.
It's not a secret that I am an easy crier. From everything to my feelings being hurt to commercials to seeing random strangers crying. I make no apology for it anymore. But, people, I have UGLY cried weekly at this show. I have actually WOKEN my husband up from deep sleep because of my sobs.
I haven't experienced many of the situations that the subject matter in the episodes cover...so I found myself after the show pondering what it might be that twists my heart up and causes it to swell so.
I think it's the real, raw, full love story that continues to unravel each week.
And the wonderful part is that it isn't a "love story" about a young couple and their undying love for each other. A romanticized version of love that makes us question the real love we are experiencing in our lives.
It's an every angle, deep in the crevices of your heart kind of love.
Parental. Sibling. Marital. Self.
The heartache and torment of difficult choices being made and not knowing if it's the right thing.
The joy and exhilaration of decisions and dreams coming to fruition.
The tender and gentle connection of people who understand each other.
A love that covers deep hurts and uncovers tremendous hope.
And I'm a sucker for love.
If you've never seen the show or are binge watching it to catch and see what the hoopla is about, I won't go into details of any characters or story lines...but I do want to dissect this a little.
The marriages represented in this show are real and hard and honest. They don't paint a picture that every argument ends sweetly or that there aren't doubts. Yet there is representation of everything we should strive to be about....forgiveness, grace, patience, fun, friendship. It's compelling to watch because it is so true to life of the complicated beautiful mess marriage is.
The parents don't make all of the right decisions. Heck--some of the situations are beyond jacked up. But they love their children and devote themselves to creating a future for them. For encouraging them. Flawed and fallen.
The siblings are connected in such a wonderful way. And I love that the writers write their relationships in real ways. They siblings hurt each other's feelings, they stick up for each other, they have hidden sibling secrets that bind them, they have the same memories but from different perspective, they are close and yet individual.
Each character is on a journey of self love. Finding out who they are and continuing to reach for their truth. There is reflection and hope. There is struggle and pain. They fail. They get back up.
It is all of the lovely things. And all of the awful.
The beautiful mess that we are. The way we hurt each other. And the way we forgive.
The lies and demons we face. The way we conquer them.
It is humanity.
And because I love humanity so...it wrecks me to my core.
So when I watch it...and enjoy the writing and directing and acting....which are top notch by the way...I also experience it.
It makes me want to be a better wife, mother, sister, person.
It makes me want to be a better human.
I want to love and understand my husband more deeply.
I want to love and guide my children more honestly.
I want to love and encourage my sister more frequently.
I want to love and respect myself more openly.
And before all of the Christians in my sphere of influence report me to the 'authorities' that I'm learning about being a human from something other than Jesus and the good book...please know that I fully believe God loves me, Jesus died for me and learning to live and love like Him is paramount in my life. I am written on the palm of his hand.
But I also believe that He can use things in our daily lives to open our eyes...and our hearts to His amazing love and grace. Even a TV show. And for that I'm grateful.
That's what I got today.
It's not a secret that I am an easy crier. From everything to my feelings being hurt to commercials to seeing random strangers crying. I make no apology for it anymore. But, people, I have UGLY cried weekly at this show. I have actually WOKEN my husband up from deep sleep because of my sobs.
I haven't experienced many of the situations that the subject matter in the episodes cover...so I found myself after the show pondering what it might be that twists my heart up and causes it to swell so.
I think it's the real, raw, full love story that continues to unravel each week.
And the wonderful part is that it isn't a "love story" about a young couple and their undying love for each other. A romanticized version of love that makes us question the real love we are experiencing in our lives.
It's an every angle, deep in the crevices of your heart kind of love.
Parental. Sibling. Marital. Self.
The heartache and torment of difficult choices being made and not knowing if it's the right thing.
The joy and exhilaration of decisions and dreams coming to fruition.
The tender and gentle connection of people who understand each other.
A love that covers deep hurts and uncovers tremendous hope.
And I'm a sucker for love.
If you've never seen the show or are binge watching it to catch and see what the hoopla is about, I won't go into details of any characters or story lines...but I do want to dissect this a little.
The marriages represented in this show are real and hard and honest. They don't paint a picture that every argument ends sweetly or that there aren't doubts. Yet there is representation of everything we should strive to be about....forgiveness, grace, patience, fun, friendship. It's compelling to watch because it is so true to life of the complicated beautiful mess marriage is.
The parents don't make all of the right decisions. Heck--some of the situations are beyond jacked up. But they love their children and devote themselves to creating a future for them. For encouraging them. Flawed and fallen.
The siblings are connected in such a wonderful way. And I love that the writers write their relationships in real ways. They siblings hurt each other's feelings, they stick up for each other, they have hidden sibling secrets that bind them, they have the same memories but from different perspective, they are close and yet individual.
Each character is on a journey of self love. Finding out who they are and continuing to reach for their truth. There is reflection and hope. There is struggle and pain. They fail. They get back up.
It is all of the lovely things. And all of the awful.
The beautiful mess that we are. The way we hurt each other. And the way we forgive.
The lies and demons we face. The way we conquer them.
It is humanity.
And because I love humanity so...it wrecks me to my core.
So when I watch it...and enjoy the writing and directing and acting....which are top notch by the way...I also experience it.
It makes me want to be a better wife, mother, sister, person.
It makes me want to be a better human.
I want to love and understand my husband more deeply.
I want to love and guide my children more honestly.
I want to love and encourage my sister more frequently.
I want to love and respect myself more openly.
And before all of the Christians in my sphere of influence report me to the 'authorities' that I'm learning about being a human from something other than Jesus and the good book...please know that I fully believe God loves me, Jesus died for me and learning to live and love like Him is paramount in my life. I am written on the palm of his hand.
But I also believe that He can use things in our daily lives to open our eyes...and our hearts to His amazing love and grace. Even a TV show. And for that I'm grateful.
That's what I got today.
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