Stories from Momma Bear #3

I remember the night
He came right back home 
Tears were in his eyes
It never gets easier
It's never okay
There's a story there
that you don't want to hear

Driving in our neighborhood
Going to pick up a friend
seeing lights behind him then
knowing what's to come

Remember what we taught you son
follow it carefully please
Make sure that you come home to us
this will always be my plea

Wallet out-because Philandro
Jordan died so music down
No quick moves because Oscar
We memorize these stories yes
They are you and you are them
Tamir looked like a man
And you are much larger than him

The flashlight out, he's moving slow
checking the car and him up and down
'What you up to tonight son?'
Just heading to see my friend

'Nothing in the back?'
'No.'
As he slowly scans the car
'Nothing on you son?'
'No.'
'Okay-just wait right here.'

Slowly take deep breaths
Hands stay still
You have no clue about this man
If he's the type that might kill
a kid who's just driving in town
who will cause him to say
'Oh-I feared for my life.'

He returns to the window
with all of the things
'I'm letting you go today'
Letting him go?
Oh my Jesus that pisses me off
What happened 
that you were going to hold?

Slowly take your items back
Make no eye contact please
'This is your parent's car?'
'Yes sir it is.'

Just as you think 
your interaction is done
He's got one last comment
Well, because

'Just a word-the car is loud,
And we don't like that around here.'
Then a slow saunter back
to his car and he's gone
And my son is
Left sitting there.
Til he comes back home
To process it all
And feel all the feels
Because the truth is
That 'around here'
Is 3 blocks from his home.



That's what I got today.

Stories from a Momma Bear #2

Today was a most
interesting day
Tired of the
passive aggressive
way

Folks wanna pretend
or continue to hide
the truth of the ugly
they're keeping inside

i can tell story after story
but people will choose
to believe what they want
to refuse to accept
the truth they don't know
but we keep tryin to tell
damn it's getting old

cuz i remember
the day
my son came home to ask
do i have an extra muscle
is that what makes me fast?

or came running home
i can't play outside
the neighbor said n****
with the hard ER

or a phone call came
your son was in a fight
and he was to blame
but then i find out
that "that word"
was tossed about
and he's just supposed to take it?
naw--knock him the hell out

turn the other cheek
place nice would you please
understand and have patience
i mean, where's your humanity
that is all well and fine
but i need you to see
that some days i can't
and some days i won't
and some days
are days
when i'm just holding on
trying not to scream
and fully explode




That's what i got today.

Stories from a Momma Bear #1

Freshman year
in a school so unknowing
It's not right he said
She's treats us different
This spanish class
of 'misfit' kids
with two 'sweet' girls
just stuck in the middle

he was right i knew
i'd seen it before
same teacher
different class
and suddenly they begin to show
their true self
their hidden ugly
they don't think is known
really don't care is shown

but our kids aren't quiet
and they will always stand
unless it's time to kneel
they will call you out
they will show you how
you are letting your hatred show

phone calls and chaos
the class escalated
phone call from me
cuz she needed to know
that i'm not quiet
and i'll always stand
unless it's time to kneel
i will call you out
i will show you how
you are letting your hatred show

no, no, ma'am
you certainly aren't right
i love all kids
i mean
i've worked in the city
i've worked in bad neighborhoods
WTF!
we're in waukesha fool
nobody mentioned that shit
'cept my son is black
and you changed that up quick

i have black friends
i like black people
lady shut up
cuz you're making me sick

then the final straw
i get a call
my son in the hall
being taken to a room
by the school officer
stay on the phone
you're dad's heading there

the story it seems
class was OC
students were arguing
about social media
in class
but the 'sweet' girls
'looked scared'
teacher's words not mine
so she had to call the cop
and when my son stood up
tall and fit
the officer later says
'he looked very aggressive'
so i had to take him out

hell no
wrong one
we don't play that
you see
so a huge meeting is held
to figure out
why he's so upset
what it's all about

my son so eloquent
calmly states
i've been in two classes
and it's not the same
we aren't trusted
the face looks disgusted
she doesn't like us
she doesn't know us

he's lying
misguided
it rolls off her tongue
so easy you wonder
when she's said it before
everyone's looking
our blood pressure's
rising
but needed not worry

cuz the next thing she says
is those Pitchford's have it wrong
i know what i'm doing
i've worked with all kinds
i know how to teach
poor bl...(pause)
poor (pause)
(look around the room)
at the shocked faces
before she can finish

my husband who isn't quiet
and will always stand
unless it's time to kneel
he will call you out
and will show you how
you are letting your hatred show

lady, do i look poor
and what's that got to do
with you treating the class
different except it obviously does

discussion ensues
let us figure this out
hell no
WE want him out
of her racist ass class
want her nowhere near him
and ya'll can figure out the rest

sometimes you can't change the world at once
but you let one teacher know
and one admin know
that
their true self
their hidden ugly
that they don't think is known
or really don't care is shown

has been seen
and we know
and you better get right

so when anger explodes
and frustration is high
but it's not your fight
and you don't understand the plight
just know others know
what they are talking about
and if  you aren't joining in
then know that you're out.


That's what i got today.

today

My heart is a big ol jumbled mess today
full of anger and pain
yet hope and joy...

because the world got a little
bit crazier today
without delay and

one bit of news sends my mind spinning
spinning
spinning

and  starts my heart breaking

and my soul just might stop

breathing.

Death and hate
and fear monopolize
people's energy

where is humanity

as our children lie in the streets
and more black men die
as guns are untouchable
and he continues to lie

each lie
defies
reason
it's so hard
believing

that some people still believe their right to having a gun
is more important
than the blood laying there

i can't be curious because
i have nothing to be curious of.
if the truth of my humanity...of my family has to be explained to you
in a way to convince of our worth
i'm not wondering
how you got that way

each tear
brings broken
dreams of
moving forward
we're going
nowhere


and one bit of news sends my mind spinning
and starts my heart breaking

but i must not let my soul stop

breathing.


That's what I  got today.

It's been a day....

Today is one of those days where I was paralyzed by feeling overwhelmed at all that needs to be done. Not personally---although that definitely weighs on me from time to time---but around me, all around me.

I know so many say start right here. Just start with the person in front of you.

But when you live and work such that there are many in front of you...then that isn't such an easy statement.

At my job I have 13 families that I have been entrusted with....and what I need everyone to understand is that they are any family.  Me, you, us. There is no them.

Through BLOOM I seek to offer gatherings, afternoons, moments of reprieve for women from all walks of life to learn together to 'bring life out of mess'. We all have mess of some kind.

My kids and their ability to love others have led me to have many extra kids and I take that seriously...being available to them.

So many. So much.

Sometimes I want to look around and say....what are you doing?  where are you?  how are you stepping up? And I know that's not fair. Because, like me, others get tired. Or they might be in their wilderness season or their resting season. Also, because I know that on any given day...there are many who step up and say, let me know how to help--how to step in.  And I am so grateful for the generosity of others. For the willingness to give of their time and their resources.

But yet, I still feel this need to challenge.
Challenge those with the thinking of self preservation and accomplishment.
Challenge those who are adamant on focusing inward...on their own achievements. 
Challenge myself.

Never think there isn't a place to get started. Never think there isn't a place that you can be involved.

There is. And the world around you....it needs you to open your eyes and more importantly, your heart....and go.

That's what I got today.

Picture this....

Many of you know that I am a care coordinator for a social service agency in Milwaukee. I love working in the city and being in the trenches.  Aside of 6 years at Elmbrook....I have worked in the city since 1995.  I've pretty much experienced it all.  From cockroaches on the wall that I was informed were pets....to my car being stolen....to finding naked girls hiding in a bathroom....to putting a youth out of my car.  This current position is draining and life giving at the same time. It is too much work for one person but we roll up our sleeves and get the work done because the families are there.  My role is helping families with youth who have a mental health diagnosis that is hindering them in some area of their life. Often revolving around school and home life.  As the young people I work with near the teen years, it can often also lead to delinquency, truancy, run away behavior.  The parents play a big role...often times more than they are willing to admit or allow themselves to see.  Our goal is to put together a team of providers to help meet the youth's needs.

I want to share an experience I had today with you.  All in a day's work.

Picture, if you would, this situation in your mind.

Today I saw a young lady express herself clearly in an appointment. Share what she was thinking. Talk about some of the things frustrating her. She is living in a group home and there are definitely strained family dynamics. She is beautiful. Big smile, hair always up, often shuffling along in slipper/shoes and almost always on her phone.

At the end of the appointment, as we were preparing to walk out, her mom showed up. Late. And neither of us had known she was coming.  The appointment was over.

Despite my best efforts their conversation and verbal aggression escalated as we walked to the cars. Daughter wanted mom to know she's maturing and she's not who she was. Mom wants to know why she isn't going to school and sits on social media all day. There was back and forth about other things as well. The discussion grew heated to the point of each of them calling the other all kinds of bitches and retard and stupid ass.  As each stepped to the other...I reminded them of all the coping strategies they could use...actually wondering if I was gonna have to call the mobile crisis team or dust off my boxing gloves to bring about calm.  Mom interrupted me to say that her daughter had started it.  I encouraged her to take a moment and compose herself and walk away.

As she walked away, she gave her daughter a smug smile and said, 'Oh yea-so mature. That's great. Be mature. Keep makin all those smart choices you're makin. Right. Okayyyyyy.'

Grateful I was able to have a good conversation with the young lady as I drove her back to the group home. She is a gem. Bright, funny.... full of attitude and pain.  So much creativity. So much heart.  Lots of hurt there.  Little hope. And I get to try and do my little piece to switch that reality so that someday there might be little hurt there and lots of hope.

Some days I am feel more equipped than others. That's part of working with people.  I choose to and know I am meant to do that.  It's a combination of social worker, therapist, case manager, big sister, friend, confidant, teacher.  It's part of the fabric of who I am.



Also part of the fabric of who I am....challenges you to answer the following honestly.  If you truly pictured this situation in your head (and if not feel free to go back now and read it again)



This daughter.


This mother.



In your mind.....




What race/ethnicity did you see them as?

Because they are white.


That's what I got today.

How come?

Last night we took two of our sons out to eat and 7 of their friends as well.  As we entered the Chinese Buffet and they each walked past the counter to find a table, put their coats up and grab their food....you could see eyes follow us. Some with a small smile, some with a scowl, some looking nervous, and the woman behind the counter staring very....intensely. I'm not sure what these folks all saw....

Me?

I saw respectful, goofy, dedicated, college athletes....all from different backgrounds....all working on making their dreams reality....all trying to find ways to buy groceries and toiletries and pay their bills. They talked about parties and school work and practice. They live on Snapchat and 4 hours of sleep and laughter and stress. And as we separated after the meal and each young person came and thanked us---hugs for me, handshakes for Marlon---and we got in the car to head to our hotel---I couldn't stop smiling.  I'm better for having experienced that evening.

But part of me gets angry too....

Because I know that there are those that would 'label' this group of young black people as "some of the good ones" and view young black people who maybe aren't in college--maybe not making the best choices right now--as "bad" "thugs" or "ghetto".  You know, all the politically correct ways to say N***A without actually saying it.  You know, keep that shit private in your own home where you can toss N***A out with a braveness you can't muster in public.

And that pisses me off.  Seriously, like put down my Jesus, knock someone out pissed off.

You might have thought you were about to read one kind of blog. Get ready to read another. Because this has been brewing and if you aren't ready to read/see/hear the truth then I suggest you stop reading. I can only share the truth as what I've experienced and observed, so there's no point in telling me this isn't true or doesn't happen. Perhaps your nice little life allows you to ignore or not see this truth. Perhaps you choose to keep your eyes closed and pretend that you know not of what I speak. But also, perhaps....if you are willing and brave....after reading this....you will allow yourself to see these situations too.  And if you willing and brave.....after reading this....you will allow yourself to say something the next time you do.

1. How come a white young adult can be living at home, running the streets, occasionally getting high, not keep a job, have sex with whoever and they are 'finding themselves' or they are 'just young'.  But a young black person does the same and they are going nowhere, have nothing going for them, aren't going to amount to anything??

2. How come a little person of color can have trouble at school sitting still or focusing, can say things they shouldn't and is almost always either coddled by a teacher because they must have a horrible home life with no daddy and they must be saved OR they are labeled a 'bad' kid and parents are told to put them on medicine,called to pick them up from school or treated with disdain by the teacher?

3. How come the young black person who is accepted to college is still not given credit...but instead there're whispers of affirmative action and of course black kids get all the scholarships and money in the world you know? Hey ignorant person it doesn't work that way. (and if you believe that without doing any research but simply because your non black butt couldn't get in college-then you are ignorant to the process of applying to college so I'm not name calling) Why can't they have worked hard to get there and are paying for college with loans and will be in debt for decades like the rest of young 'merica?

4. How come there are not the same punishments for same behavior?  In school, in sports, in life. You can almost feel the racial bias exuding from certain teachers, coaches, staff.  But it's the gap in arrests and punishment for marajuana possession and use that makes me seethe. The rate of marajuana use is pretty evenly matched between black and whites. This is able to be tracked by the census so I'm not making stuff up. However, the arrest rates are incredibly different. In some states black are over 8 times more likely to be arrested for marajuana possession!?!

5. How come my sons....who by all accounts are mostly seen by people who know them as respectful, thoughtful, successful young people...are still seen as dangerous, up to no good, questionable by many in society. By some store clerks, security, average citizen, law enforcement?  How come their size, their hoodie, their backpack, their color.....indicates that they must have an eye kept on them? That they might do something shady?

6. How come a white person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are doing their best.....making the most of their situation and providing for their family?  How come a black person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are living off of the system, draining our taxes and welfare queens? (Which coincidentally REALLY pisses me off because the ignorance of thinking welfare and food stamps still exist--just makes me want to explode!)

How?  How does this happen?

It happens because of racism. It happens not because 'I make everything about race' but because our country was founded on systemic racial divides that continue to this day. It happens because we raped and murdered and removed the occupants on this land because we wanted it and because we could. It happens because we built this country to what it is on the backs of those we could control and abuse and exploit. It happens because the constitution everyone is so proud of wasn't written for everyone and still to this day doesn't apply to everyone.

Racism isn't racial prejudice.

Racial prejudice is any race having preconceived notions about any other race and judging them for it. Jewish people are cheap, Asian people are cold, Mexican people are lazy, Black people are criminals or athletes, White people are rich.

Racism...and don't look to the white privilege Webster's definition of racism to fully explain racism.... is entire social systems in our country being built on racist ideology and constructed to provide and esteem white america and withhold abundance from people of color.  The labor market, owning land, the education system, the criminal justice system....all reflect biased and inequity. This isn't up for debate. The information and proof is there if you desire to see it to believe it.

Can a young person of color find success and live a wonderfully sweet and stable life?

Of course.

But believe me, it is in spite of what this society expects of them and readily and accessibly offers them.

And that. Is the injustice.



That's what I got today.