Vacation eyes.

Today my friend and I were talking about how we miss out opportunities to really 'see' God's goodness and majesty around us everyday.  How the mundane day to day can rob us of really having open eyes and can make us take for granted gifts that God gives us.

I want to be about noticing.

I want to be about deep breaths.

I want to be about really taking it all in.

I want to be about vacation eyes.


Vacation eyes?  Vacation eyes.


Think about vacation. There is anticipation and excitement for what's to come. And when you arrive....well it's quite wonderful. Everything seems grander, more beautiful.  Food is more delectable. Sunsets are more glorious. Your family is sweeter and kinder, funnier and you enjoy their company. You notice the little things and celebrate every day.

Then we often come home and call it 're-entry'. Almost momentarily we are 'back' and settle into old routines and patterns.

But what if....what if we saw our everyday life....with vacation eyes?

And even as we raked the leaves that we are cursing for falling....we stop.

And pick one up.

And notice how vibrant the color is.
How perfect the shape is.
How it seemed to jump out of the pile....beckoning you to pick it up.

And for that moment....we stopped.  And noticed. 
And because we did...
We also

Felt the breeze caress our face on a rough afternoon of unpleasantness.
Embraced the sunshine beaming down on us as we walked into somewhere we didn't want to go.
Savored each moment of our child's laughter even when it came at an inopportune time.
Really stopped and listened to our loved one tell us what is hurting them.

And our vacation love and our vacation patience and our vacation joy and our vacation self...

Intersected with our everyday love, patience, joy and self.

And we were never the same again.


That's what I got today.

Claiming the Victory

It's been a jumbled few days.
My brain has been racing in uncharted ways...and even that bible on my head isn't calming the storm.

Very few know...but many moons ago...like 16ish years, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a severe manic phase which crashed into a deep depression and through medicine, therapy and love and support of my family...I was able to put the pieces of my mind back together.

Over the years there's been "close calls", the symptoms coming but my husband and I pretty prepared to calm them, deter them and reset my brain. Many years ago I went off of meds all together and I haven't had any severe episodes of manic or depressive phases. Quite honestly, I think I just learned to function within my manic or depressive phases. I learned to hide.

When you're not yourself...when your brain is manic...at least for me, you don't sleep, you are highly agitated, anxious and stressed....it can move almost to a paranoia...you push people around you away and you have almost no impulse control. It's not that you aren't in control...but yet it is. Sometimes. You hit a wall. Because you can only sustain that frenzied way of existing for so long before you just can't function. And what inevitably follows is a dead end spiral of despair and exhaustion.

I am not there yet. But it's coming. And looking back...I can see how the perfect storm has been brewing.

So Monday I have an assessment scheduled. Meds maybe? Therapy for sure. I am relieved and anxious.

So why am I sharing this?? Why expose what many, myself included, keep for just a simple select few?? Why share what many could try to use against me or gossip about me or judge me?? Because I know if I'm going to have healing (and healing does NOT mean no longer having bipolar to me) and peace...then I have to stand in all of my truth.

People I love have suffered mental illness. People I love have committed suicide. People I love struggle with loss. Struggle with hiding. Struggle with shame. Struggle with stigma.

How will we remove the stigma if when we are doing "well" we don't claim that as victory...how will we remove stigma if we keep secrets.

So I stand in my truth and I own my reality. But it does not own me.

I'm claiming victory. And i will again and again.

That's what I got today.

The rain

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day!!

I have rarely sang this song. Because well. I love the rain.

Always have.

To me. Rain is full of lessons.

There is something soothing about a soft rain. The kind that gingerly caresses your skin. It's like a sweet whisper from God. As that gentle drop lands on your arm...there is comfort. You can sing out to God a song of serenity.

There is something mesmerizing about a steady rthymic rain. The kind that stirs your soul and creates a sense of balance. It's like a solid reminder that you are alive. And capable. And strong. You can call out to God a shout of joy.

There is something rejuvenating about a full throttle downpour. The kind that shakes the shutters and almost hurts. It wipes out muck and filth and cleanses your soul. You can holler out to God a broken cry of redemption.

Rain, rain come to stay
Heal my heart and make a way
To wholeness and love
Understanding and peace
Let it rain.
Let it rain.

i don't want to write....

today is the day that I don't want to write
I'm uneasy inside and full of blah
My face is screwed up n'
I got up on the wrong side of the bed.

when emotions are on 10
and my energy at none
it's an easy playground
for satan to lurk

think of THE most vulnerable
thing to you
independence? marriage?
children? job?
maybe what your dreams are?
maybe what you are?

for me insecurities live in my head
and sometimes satan whispers
as I get out of bed

you're not enough
you're defined by your past
your kids and husband
deserve someone better

or deeper still

the people who love you
don't really love you
the people who need you
could take you or leave you
why bother trying just give up now
i, i mean really...

this isn't a test
or rare to be found
it's how evil gets us
when our guard is down

satan will use every trick up his sleeve
to distract and dissuade us from every good thing
wrong will seem right
and right will seem wrong

but if we know the truth of the One who Reigns
who created each hair on our sweet lil heads
who knit us together in our momma's wombs
with full custody over our beginning and end

then we stand firm in the face of the evil one
his plots have no footing, no ground
we recognize his messy plans to thwart
what our Father God plans for good
and so even though today
i am still feeling more than meh
i know it is passing and i know i can deal

i know that He loves me
i know where He stands
and i am comforted by the truth
that He holds me in His hand.

That's what i got today.

LIttle blessings

This morning I had to run to Kwip Trip for air in my tires today. I had to run in for a minute and was feeling some kind of way about that.  While entering ...I passed by an older woman with my Grandma Nickel's eyes.

I wanted to stop and tell her, 'You have my Grandma's eyes!" Or honestly, give her a hug.  But I just smiled at her and kept walking.  I even glanced back but she was already scurrying on her way.  While inside the gas station I just had this warm sense of peace and contentment.  It made me smile some more.

My Grandma was not a perfect person by any means. I think it's important that we remember the whole of a situation.  We actually just talked about that yesterday during house church.  I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture of a saint.  But what she was?

Was an encourager. 
Every little thing you did...was amazing. 
Every little thing you cooked....was scrumptious.
Every little thing you said...was brilliant.

And a grace giver.
When you messed up....she didn't question.
When you lost your cool....she never judged.
When you pulled back...she gave you space.

She forgave much and overcame much in her life.  I never heard her blame others or make excuses for things in her life that hadn't been perfect.  I also never heard her chastise anyone for the choices they made or problems they caused.  Even when she might ask, 'why?' It wasn't from a place of condemnation but serious questioning to understand and empathize.

All of this and more was running through my head as I ran in the gas station.  I'm sure I had a permagrin on my face. I said a little internal thanks to God for such sweet memories in my soul this day. 

What a surprise as I came back out the door, that there she was! Standing between the building and my car. The sweet older woman with my Grandma's eyes.

As she saw me approaching, she reached out her hand and touched my forearm.  And she smiled with my Grandma's eyes and she said, 'Oh pretty, blue is YOUR color!'  It was just like my Grandma would. Alth0ugh she likely would have said, 'Pretty, pretty.'  She had a thing for saying compliments double.

But wearing a basic blue fleece Columbia vest and basic black pants and top. Not feeling particularly special or pretty?  Suddenly I stood a little taller and smiled a little bigger and breathed a little fuller.  And my eyes welled.

I thanked her and blessed her in as causal of a way as I could.

And I got in my car.
And I looked in my rearview mirror.
And she was gone.
And I looked back at myself.
And I gave thanks to God.


That's what I got today.

Dwelling.

My phone screen wallpaper is the following statement,  'You cannot dwell on both the things of God and the lies of satan."

 But we sure try to don't we?

And when we allow the lies of satan to resonate in our souls...fear is not far behind.

Satan says....don't bother trying because nothing is going to change.
Satan says....you are not worthy.
Satan says....worry about yourself, don't waste energy on other people

God says that He is your protector and provider.
That He never leaves your side.

I have found that to be true again and again in my life.  Yet, I can more easily than I'd like to admit...satan finds my vulnerable, weak places and rests there.

I think sometimes we think of spiritual warfare as loud, disruptive attacks...attacks that almost blow us over they are so mighty and evil.  My experience has often been that it is much more of a quiet and subdued cloudy fog that rests heavily on my spirit and mind.

And it's that fog that warps my vantage point of God's love and truth.
It clouds my judgement and it steals my hope.

Satan is gonna try.  Right?
It's his nature.  To seek. To kill. To destroy.

But I don't have to dwell.  I think that's so key.  Think of dwelling.....what that means.
I don't have to listen to satan.

When the whispers come.  And they will.  I can name them and call him out and move around so that I can instead keep my eyes on the Most High King, who loved me enough to lay down His life and gives me a framework for grace and peace.

To God be the Glory.

That's what I got today.

Aha Moment.

Tonight rereading my blogs...I had a moment. I kind of lost it for a minute actually.

Because by rereading my blogs...I reminded myself of broken promises to myself and also of wasted time.

I need to write. It soothes my soul and it gives me a voice.

Also,

I am meant to connect with women and mentor women. I know that BLOOM is a way to make the connection.

But.

Somehow...like so many other things...these goals, dreams....have taken a back seat. And while time has opened up for me with less kids in the house and Marlon having football and other activities....I chose instead to find a part time job to take up time. I chose instead to waste time.

So. How do I change this? I mean, it's one thing to have an aha moment...it's another to weeks later still be pursuing those goals.

I am one who steps up to challenges and I'm one who works well with clear parameters.

Here are the three things I'm doing and committing to before 2017.

1. I'm taking a bath once a week. A soak your worries away, enjoy just being, relax from head to toe bath.
2. I'm going to have coffee, lunch, dinner with 2 women a month. Different women just to make connection, catch up, have a needed heart to heart.
3. I have to choose at least one time a week where I will hide away from home and write for a couple of hours.

They might seem like a weird, random set of things....but they are very connected to what makes me tick and I believe will help me stay on track.

A final two things round out the list...

I have to blog everyday. Even if it's just a check in.

And finally. I have to quit my job at Kohl's. It just isn't necessary and quite honestly takes up valuable time.

A good cry always clears my mind. Now it's time to refocus it on me.

That's what I've got today.