Fix Me.

I love Psalm 139.  I read through it from time to time because it is such a clear reminder to me of God's covering of my life...of His divine position as my Creator and Protector. But the final two verses always resonate with me....I lived a lot of my life hidden.  It probably didn't seem that way because of my outgoing personality and gregarious nature...but who I really was...hidden. When I was around 25 or 26, I found out who Jesus was and what it meant to follow Him. That is was a way of living I wanted to follow after.  That helped bring out who I really was and being able to more openly live authentically.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

The first time I shared some of my testimony in a group I remember being so hesistant and well, scared actually.  I had been promiscuous, drank, smoked weed, lied...was bulimic...had children before marriage...so many things. And as my life slowly began to transform...many of those, what I felt were, "big" sin issues fell away. Even the pain of enduring them softened. And much of the internal war that waged was silenced at their removal from my soul.

I was thinking the other day that I've been a follower of Jesus for just about 20 years. Holy crap. How did that happen!!  And I experience Him daily....even if I don't acknowledge that.  Because He never leaves my side.

And I continue to be challenged and encouraged by the scripture above...because I am not perfect. And the haters and shade throwers can easily dismiss "Ohhhh....so you're perfect now?"  "Oh, where's your God now?"  But they don't understand.  It's because I'm not perfect that I need Him. And He's never far from me, but I sure do wander from Him.  I don't want to follow fast after Him to prove anything to anyone. That's not authentic or real. That's performance driven faith. I want to fall on my face and seek Him because it's the only option that makes sense. Because my heart is not whole if it's not fixed on Him.  And I need to share and live that authentically because it is how He gets the glory.

When I'm wrong Lord, correct me.
When I've strayed, get me back in line.
When my focus drifts off of you, direct me.
When my heart wanders, fill it with your goodness.

Grievous way.  What grieves God?

My sin.  I almost feel that's too simple to just toss out there.  We must name it.  Own it. Allow ourselves to see it.  

 What is sin?  Anything we SAY, THINK or DO that displeases Him.  To me?  That is deep.  Because that is a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg list!!  It's not just my actions that cross the line...it's also my thoughts and words that are dishonoring to my Lord. Audience of One.

And while I do not think that we are meant to be slaves to our sin, meant to be held back by the reality of our sin or mean to stay stuck in self hate for sinning....I also don't think it's God honoring to gloss over our sin, like we somehow 'arrive' at a place where since the BIG sins are gone...how bad could we really be?  While I know that God can and does remove things from our lives....I don't believe we ever fully 'arrive'.

I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with God.
I don't want to ever get so comfortable that I stop seeking His face.

Fix me Jesus.

Tony Evans Does it Again!

I've been working my way through Tony Evan's 30 Days of Marriage Prayers.  I say working through because it can be pretty intense some days....so occasionally I offset with different devotionals.

Today I made it to day 10.  Prayer Against Insecurities.  Here is a piece of what struck me most today about what he wrote:

The enemy wants nothing more than to create insecurities in our marriage. He wants to break down our trust and he wants to create doubt in our minds about our love and commitment to each other and our desire to be committed. We stand confident and sure in Your love and in the peace that You give. Jesus, we commit ourselves to praying against any insecurity that we have and release it to You. We release each other to You to allow You to correct and deal with our hearts and we will stay out of your way. We are not secure in each other. We are secure in You.

Sheesh. Talk about hitting the nail on the head.

Most who know me really well....or know any of my testimony, know that I struggle with insecurity.  I always have. There's no one horrific incident in my past that I can point to that necessarily explains this....but when I look over my life there are definite things that didn't help what is already a piece of my make up.  That hinder and cause internal conflict. Most of it being things I joke about now because looking back they don't seem that serious...but in reality I guess there were a few more serious things that did matter...

I had a baby sitter who most definitely favored my sister over me. Would bring her gifts but not me.  Would always talk about how cute and sweet she was.  I had a little group of friends who were always trying to one up the other; decide who they were going to leave out and I always felt like I needed to boast.  I had a dance teacher who repeatedly told me how fat I was...even poking me with her little stick in my waist a few times and threatening not to let me go on stage if I didn't slim down.  I was in an incredibly emotionally abusive relationship which escalated to physical abuse and ended with me in the hospital.

I share all of that to point out this.  Who we are, we bring to the marriage table.  The same goes for our spouse. And not to put Marlon's business out there...but there are also specific situations in his life which affect him. That hinder and cause internal conflict and insecurities.

So when you marry.  Those worlds collide.  You learn and do your best to allow that collision to be a gently meshing of worlds....giving grace, being vulnerable, allowing the Holy Spirit to help you see your spouse with God's eyes, taking account for your own weaknesses and limitations and staying focused on Him who is most high.

But sometimes. Because of our own insecurities, because of ways we've hurt the other, because of our humanness and sin, because of taking our eyes of Jesus and because we've let the third strand slip....we withhold grace, we become selfish, we wander, we build walls, we shut out, we judge the other and we give Satan a foothold.

Even almost 20 years in. Even when we know better.  Even when we've been here before.  We've started marriage counseling for what I see as a tune up. We want to make sure that our marriage is strong, vibrant and endures. We are in this for the long haul.  We want to break old patterns that are harmful and build new ones that bring life.

Today's marriage prayer was perfect timing and I'm so thankful to God when he orchestrates these little encouragements.  Because I do believe that He does care about those little things as well as the big things.

Satan is going to try.  He is going to lurk and he is going to prey. He is going to watch you and find you slipping. And then he's going to attack. It's his nature.  To seek, kill and destroy. And if we aren't diligent in being acutely aware of our limitations and the ways that he attacks us...it can be so easy to fall right into his crooked and evil plan.

But we don't have to.

Because Jesus conquered. Death was defeated. And when you accept Jesus as Lord of your life...choosing to follow fast after Him and choosing to learn more about what it means to love...then the Holy Spirit is available to you....to guide and direct...to help.  I don't know how to explain it all.  But I know that it's true because I have experienced it in my life again and again.

I'm so grateful for Tony Evans 30 Days of Marriage Prayers. I am. From gentle prodding to full face smacks....I'm learning and relearning so much. 

That's what I got today.

God helped me get 15!

So yesterday and today I hit the 5 minute mark on jogging. For someone who ran the 400 in high school and used to be 'fit' but has spent her 30s and so far into her 40s battling the demon of inactivity...this is huge.

And let me be clear.  I know I am 'active' from the sense that raising a gaggle of kids, caring for others, working full time has all keep me busy...but making exercise a vital part of my day to day has ebbed and flowed.  More ebbed than flowed.

So I posted this 5 minute information to Facebook.  Somewhat for accountability, somewhat because I wanted to share my accomplishment.  And my sister, who is one of my biggest encouragers with fitness, suggested that my next goal would be to run 5, have a time of rest, then go for the 10.  I walked a couple of more minutes...trying to decide if I'd try that now or tomorrow or just keep at 5 for a bit to get faster, stronger.

Then one of my old favorites, Mary Mary's, 'It's the God in Me' came on. So I bumped up the speed because I knew I could handle running through that song.  The lyrics alone give me strength.

'But what they don't know is when you get home
And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is you on your knees
So the next time you get a chance tell 'em
It's the God in me'

And I just cried.  And ran. And sang. And cried. And ran. And sang.


I have been feeling very hopeless about a few situations in my life right now.  It has taken me away from even trusting God to be God and work it out.  I still am not sure where the road is leading in some areas...but I must trust Him.  And remember that He is always with me.  Always there.  He will battle on my behalf. He will protect on my behalf. He goes before me and clears the path for me.  And I have to share with others that it's happening. It is my testimony.

So the song is ending and I'm getting ready to slow my pace....then another fav, Kirk Franklin's 'Look at Me Now' came on.  Hmmmm. Maybe I could run and sing through some of this too.

'Persecuted, criticized, been denied and abandoned
Pushed away, given away, some days I couldn't imagine
Getting harder, getting colder, was hard for me to see
Tired of runnin, tired of hurtin, even got tired of me
Tired of cryin, tired of tryin to forget my mistakes
Tired of bein in this storm, how much more can I take
Many nights in my life, tell me why
I shed more tears, my eyes would allow
And after all that,  'Look at me now!!!'

And I cried some more. And ran some more. And SANG (sorry neighbors). And cried some more. And ran some more. And SANG!!

Because I know the truth.  All of this is true. I've been praying for my husband, my kids, husband's new ministry, our marriage, Bloom, my parents, my sister, my niece, all the ladies that I love so much...and I've forgotten to pray for me.  This used to be my WARRIOR song!!  I'm better now, I'm closer now, I'm thankful now, I'm happy now....I'm stronger now, I'm patient now, I'm grateful now, I'll praise you now!!  Yes. Yes. and Yes.  I am so so weak right now.  But in Him, I am made strong.

So then the song is ending and I'm getting ready to slow my pace...I mean good Lord, I'm all cried out and sweating like you can't imagine....then another fav comes on. And this. This just for pure enjoyment.  The Jackson's 'Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)'  No significant relevance to any thing happening...but man I love that song.

So I danced.  And ran. And sang. And danced. And ran. And sang.  And as an aside....you can jog and dance. If you were wondering.

And before I knew it.



God helped me get 15 minutes.

And He'll be there to help me get 15 more. And 15 more.

I still don't know the outcome to some of my stressful situations. I still am afraid, if I am honest.

But He is there.

And He is mighty.

And even if nobody else around me wants to see Him, feel Him, honor Him, allow Him in....none of that matters.  If God is for me, who can be against me?


That's what I got today.

Reminders......

Over the years, I've tried to stay committed to reading devotionals...or at least open scripture on a regular basis. I veer off from time to time...go through spurts of avoiding and neglecting this important piece of my relationship and connection with God...but the past couple of weeks I've been on a roll.

I started with a daily devotional that I was given when I left my last job. Very worthy and good stuff. Digging into the word and giving me little bits to chew on.  Very recently though...I switched to Tony Evans...his podcast at the Urban Alternative and also began 30 Days of Marriage Prayers. There's always a verse and then an actual prayer written out...to read aloud or to yourself...asking God for His guidance.

Yesterday the topic was conflict in marriage.  And being one part of a marriage where quarrels (a nice way of saying arguments which is a nice way of saying fights) are too often and too ugly...I read and reread this prayer.

There was so much truth in the words that Dr. Tony Evans wrote.  So much that my husband and I do our best to have as our best intentions...but far too often fall short of.  What stuck out...and what
has been resonating in my spirit the past 24 hours were these words:

'God we ask that you replace quarreling with compassion and resentment with joy. We are fully aware that arguments and dissension serve as distractions for the enemy to use to prevent us from resting in Your unending peace. At times when we desire to handle it ourselves, we ask that Your Holy Spirit would remind us to leave our conflict at Your feet and seek you for resolve.'

I crave peace and yet far too often I harbor ill will. I desire closeness and yet far too often I put up a wall.  I know I need supernatural love to cover my marriage and yet far too often I shut out God's truths because of stubbornness.

Psalm 139:23 & 24. Psalm 139: 23 & 24. Psalm 139: 23 & 24.


Then, today....

Today I listened to a podcast by Laura Doyle.  I am not particularly a fan of hers....but the topic was striking to me, 'A Proven Framework for Renewed Intimacy with your Man'.  To be honest, I half tuned in because I thought it would be a little comical.  Proven framework?  But as I listened...there was so much there that was pertinent to me. Most things that I already knew, but still so important to remember.

I need to know and name my fear.  And then I need to allow the Holy Spirit to take my fear. Not all fears are irrational, but regardless of if they are rational or irrational, if I am operating out of fear...I will not have peace.  And neither will he.

I need to remember that my husband is not a mind reader and I need to let him know my deepest darkest desires and dreams.  I can be honest and say, 'I would love....' and then state clearly what it is.  Not things like affection or attention or feelings...but things that I want accomplished or need help with.  I would love to eat dinner. I would love to take a nap. I would love a cup of coffee to stay awake. 

I need to remember who I am. I am fun and light. I am easily pleased. I like to smile. I enjoy laughing. I must make self care a priority and not allow myself to become depleted.  These things still remain and when I find myself in dark worried places, I must hold onto those truths.

Maybe you have felt alone.  Worried.  Fearful.

Maybe you have lost your peace. Dreams. Self.

Maybe you have put the blame on your husband for these things.
Maybe you have focused on the things you are missing. 
Maybe you have forgotten that you are cherished. Loved. Beautiful and precious. 
But you are those things.
And not because your husband thinks so or treats you as such. 
You are because your Holy Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Alpha and Omega
SAYS THAT YOU ARE.  And He says that I am too.

And maybe like me, you need reminders from time to time. Wisdom from that directs us back to our best selves which in turn allows us to share our best selves with the ones we love.

That's what I got today.

A Bigger World

I love this picture.


For a few years I coordinated the summer day camp held at my old job.

This included Friday field trips.

Lots of locations were 'hot' spots over the years. The zoo, different museums, skating, inflatable spots.

So when I chose Lapham Peak.

Well.  I'm just gonna be honest here.

It was not very well received.

Let's just say I got a LOT of side eye.

But I had been praying.  For clarity and direction. For new experiences.  For ways to stretch the kids and staff.
And Lapham Peak kept coming to mind.

I remembered a field trip I had chaperoned years prior with my son.  The fresh air.  The breeze.  The beauty of nature.  The fun of simple field games and a scavenger hunt. And the feeling of triumph upon getting to the top of the tower. And.

And the utter joy and awe that comes when you look out over the state.  But.  It was more.

I wanted these kids to see that vision, yes.  I wanted these kids to know that exhilaration, yes.

But....I wanted these kids to know that God's world is bigger than what they might already see.  Than what is familiar to them.


You might read this and think, aw...what a nice story---get those inner city kids out in nature...how special to introduce them to God's world!


Naw, it's really about YOU!

















Because guess what....it might not look like Lapham Peak...but the same goes for you.

God's world is bigger than what you see.  It's more than what is familiar to you.  It's includes more than what you see everyday.


And I'm fully convinced that until we start to allow ourselves to enter ALL of God's world...and allow our heart to break for ALL of God's people....we are destined to fall prey to the thinking that only our perspective matters.


So maybe today you aren't going to hike through trails or climb a tower....but maybe you are going to befriend someone who doesn't think like you. Maybe you are going to listen to someone whose heart breaks differently than yours.  Maybe you are going to just take a minute to honestly and earnestly seek your own heart and ask God to break strongholds that keep you caught up in only looking at your little part of the world.  Maybe you are going to pray for someone.


Be open to your Lapham Peak opportunities. They might be met with side eyes....but they will be glorious!!

Tired.

i'm tired.
i'm tired of another black person killed.
i'm tired of adding another hashtag.
i'm tired of heads in the sand.
i'm tired of justification.
i'm tired of a decade old incidents being brought up to paint a picture.
i'm tired of cops not being held accountable.
i'm tired of administrative leave.
i'm tired of trying to explain and tired of listening.
i'm done with that.

i'm done with push back of blue lives matter in response to black lives matter. we know blue lives matter. it's why they aren't charged. it's why when someone kills them--that person, at best is killed...at worst is found guilty and is put away for a longgggg time.

i'm done with arguments about respect-blah blah blah and move to another country-blah blah blah. when the lives of my son's are valued in society the same way ANIMALS and rapists are...when they are given the same respect and care and concern by the majority..i'll listen to your arguments.

i'm done with trying to educate why the narrative needs to be changed. if you can't see that there is something in errantly STiLL wrong in this country with race...then we can be casual...but we can't be friends...and i'm not going to waste anymore breath or energy trying to show you what is reality.  that will need to be someone else's job.

i watched the video yesterday. i saw the smiley little photo they shared of the officer who killed Crutcher. She murdered him. And then lied. Video is clear...his hands are up.  Crutcher had no weapon. And yet even the dude in the helicopter knew he was a 'bad dude'.  There are honorable officers--doing their jobs---and then there's her.  i need solid officers to start speaking up against officers like her the way teachers do when an educator is found guilty of sexual assault.  speak up that she doesn't represent the honor of a police officer.  what does she do to the fabric of this country and what it stands for?  where is the outrage....how dare she wear that uniform and behave that way?  police officers are role models for our kids! they should all be ashamed of themselves.


the other night, several squad cars flew past our house with their lights on and sirens about 8pm maybe.  they were headed the way of my son's girlfriends neighborhood up the hill. it was a few hours before my son's curfew...but even still, i called him. to see where he was and had he left early?  was he ok? had he heard the sirens?  this is par for course now and my son's are used to it and understand.

i hate it.  despise this reality with every fiber of my being. 

these are some of the things I must fear for my husband and son's. And not because it's far fetched and i'm overreacting...because history shows they could be shot and or killed as a result of:

playing in a playground
walking in a neighborhood
standing on a corner
car breaking down
assisting a client
pulling out their ID
looking like another black man
riding the subway
failing to signal
being seen as a threat

i get that we all can have our 'thing' that gets us going, that infuriates us and maybe some don't see black lives as that thing. 

but if injustice is your thing.  then this needs to be a part of your thing. as a country...not just black America, but all America...this needs to be a part of our thing.

we demand athletes stand and we make memes, say horrific things in the comments of news articles about them...but stay silent on this.
we share posts on social media about social issues like rape and animal cruelty but still stay silent on this.
we condemn a situation like Sherman Park and name call 'animals, thugs, criminals, niggers' but stay silent when we know there is so much more to the situation.


i'm not addressing everyone. those with their head in the sand or those who are not allies...who will never be allies because deep down they are mourning the 'good ol days'...those who do not understand and do not want to.  i'm through addressing you.

i'm addressing those who deep down have broken hearts but not bold tongues.
i'm addressing those who agree but stay quiet not to rock the boat.
i'm addressing those who tear up when they hear about another incident but hold them back for whatever reason.
i'm addressing those who change the channel not because they don't care, but because their heart hurts so deep.

it's time to take stand.  it's time to lift your voice.

it's time for us ALL to rise.

Restless.

I've been restless.


Leaving my prior job at the mission was a right decision. Growing pains and policy changes spurred the start of prayer and seeking guidance for that decision and I know there were many who may not have understood.  But there have been such strong moments of confirmation in the months since leaving....I am grateful.


Recently stepping down from leadership and serving at our church was a right decision.  A hectic parenting and travel schedule with an inconsistent ability to pour into the flock there cemented this and I know there are some who may not understand.  But the rest and freedom that has come since doing so....I am grateful.


But I am restless.


Today I had a very long talk with God.  And then an intense time of praise and worship.  There are many dreams and ideas He's placed on my heart.  There is a call on my life.


Somehow I've allowed myself to become stagnant.
And in my respite from "doing" Jesus.  I think I inadvertently took respite from Him.


He's still my Lord.  My very present help in time of need. My rock, fortress and deliverer.


Yet.


Have I been lacking growth and become complacent?
Have I forgotten to daily to lay down my own agenda and listen to Him?
Have I allowed distractions to minimize my joy in Him?


Yes.


There is calling and purpose on my life. 
I know what He has gifted me to do and I know that He equips me to do it.
I know that with Him I am capable. I can conquer when I allow Him to fight the battles.
I can't allow myself to be imprisoned by fear, responsibilities, finances, past mistakes or perfectionism.  The enemy would use my vulnerabilities to trick me.


Lies.


To trick me into believing I am not worthy.
To trick me into believing the dream is too big.
To trick me into stopping.
I know because it's what he's been doing.  And what I've allowed.


But.


No more.
The devil can't have my joy.
And he can't have my dreams.
Because the God of all creation and the Lord of my life has promised me that ALL things work together for my good. He has shown it to be true over and over.


It's time to armor up and fasten my seat belt.  I'm ready for another level.  So I'm giving everything to Him. Including my restlessness. And when I come out of restlessness.....


He does not play.